Essays: August 2006 Archives

I wrote this piece some time ago, but never posted it. Some of my writing I do to vent to myself. Some is not for public consumption. So now, it’s either publish it, or delete it. I decided to publish it.

Written May 2, 2005...

I’ve been around for a long time.

I lost my dad when I was six years old. I was abused by my step-father for more years than I want to remember. I went through hell growing up and have seen things and experienced things in high school that most people never witness in a lifetime. I’ve lost most of my friends to AIDS when my country did nothing to help. They were Americans. They were us.

Yet, America still doesn’t get it. Yesterday, it was AIDS. They did nothing because they said it was a “gay disease”, even though every single statistic has shown that the disease does not respect the sexual orientation of the individual. At the time, in our defense, we tried to say that in Africa it was spread by heterosexual contact. We did this because as we were dieing, people like Bob Hope and Eddie Murphy were making crude jokes about how AIDS was killing all the gays, just for a few laughs. It’s ok. I did take it personally, but I fucking got over it. But America never gets beyond it.

Today, AIDS has been replaced by “marriage equality”. And at the heart of all of this, AIDS and marriage equality are the same, in one key aspect -- they are both used to separate us from the rest of America. They are used to make us different.

And why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

I wish I knew the answer to that question.

If I knew, maybe I would know why I’m so scared to hold my husbands hand in public and acknowledge what we have and what we are, and that our love is absolutely timeless. They can’t take that away from us.

Every God damned time I see a straight couple hold hands and show their love for each other, I am filled with envy and contempt. Envy because I want that for myself. Contempt because they have no idea how lucky they are to be able to do that without fearing for their lives. And, at the same time, they put that in my face. If we did that, we would be told that we are “flaunting our lifestyle.”

My country is ugly and hateful.

“Christians” are ugly and hateful in spirit. They spit on our spirit of love and call it vile and an abomination. They know nothing.

We are beautiful and remarkable people. I only feel love. And if I show that love, I may die for it. Is there any hope this will ever change?

We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature. - Abraham Lincoln, First Inaugural Address, Monday, March 4, 1861

I was reading The Advocate this morning in preparation for my dentist appointment. The two seem to go hand in hand. Generally bad news, followed up by a teeth cleaning, and the beginnings of a final step to finish off an implant procedure that started months ago. As a note, I would recommend anyone going to the dentist not listen to Verdi’s Othello while under the influence of nitrous oxide. Not good. But back to The Advocate letter.

I was struck by one letter from David Hiovich who lives in Los Angeles. He said,

I read Jeremy Koeph’s words and realized I could have written those same exact words 30 years ago [Outspoken, July 4]. What does this say about our progress for gay rights in the last 30 years? Parents still disown us. People are still disgusted by us. We have a president who insists we cannot marry. What has changed? Nothing--nada--zero. Keopf states, “The inner fire yearning to explode its full truth upon the world had finally been extinguished by my own self-acceptance.” This is what is so important to gays. As long as you accept yourself as you are, the others can go to hell! We are who we are.

And I too could have, and would have, said David Hiovich’s words five years ago as well. He’s right to a large extent. You can not put a price tag on self acceptance. This is true for all people - gay and straight, in whatever situation they find themselves in. If you have a sense of self worth and pride in yourself, that will carry you a long way through the trials of life.

A friend told me in an email recently, “being 50 is a weird motivator - you suddenly realize how few years you have left.” As a gay man who said too many good bye’s to friends who were in their twenties, I have always known that life is a fleeting resource. And I’m finding at the age of 51, that I’ve become somewhat of a pragmatist. On the one hand, a real “gay activist” never sheds his desire to make things better for his/her community. On the other hand, you argue that many of your perceived problems are self-made; if you could only accept yourself (so-called self acceptance), things would be so much better, or at least easier..

They would be, but it’s not real, except in the mind of the people “accepting” themselves. It all reminds me of an old Star Trek show, one of the first, where Captain Pike encounters a dieing race of beings call the Talosians. From that episode...

After the first officer and yeoman beam up, Pike remains behind with Vina, urging her to leave with him. Despite her growing attraction to the captain, Vina is unable to leave the planet. It is revealed that an expedition had indeed crash landed on Talos IV. Vina, the only survivor, was greatly injured and disfigured. With the aid of the Talosians’ illusions, however, she is able to appear beautiful and feel healthy.

The Talosians pledge to continue to provide Vina with the appearance of health and beauty while allowing her to roam the planet free of intervention. Realizing that she will be in good hands after all, Pike returns to the U.S.S. Enterprise.

The Talosians final message to Pike, “...you have reality and she has illusion. May you find your way as pleasant.”

Self acceptance has a reality to it, but it does not exist outside of your sense of being. In the real world, things really haven’t changed that much. Everything Mr. Hiovich said is still true, with one exception, we are much more visible now than any time in the past. This will lead to change because, as bigoted as people want to be, there really is nothing quite as powerful as having someone you care about come out, and tell you that they are gay or lesbian. That will personalize their bigotry. Suddenly, they have a clear choice to make. Either they can disown their loved one and give into their hatred and bigotry, or they can learn what it is they hate so much. And more times than not, love wins the day. I’ve seen it happen much more than the alternative.

But everything is relative. Personally, as I stated in my “I don’t care” entry, I was really stating that I have let go of a lot of things that, at this stage in my life, is just extra emotional baggage for me to carry around. I have accepted myself fully, and I honestly do love myself inside. But, people like Fred Phelps and all the rest, are real and their agenda is real. Don’t confuse self acceptance with giving up on a battle that should be fought. That is reality. Either you stand for something or you will fall for anything.

The battles we face for acceptance, and self acceptance, are two very different things.

I’ve made a decision in my life. As I get older, I’ve decided that I will hold out for equality for as long as I can. I will wait five years and then if Kent is in agreement, we will get a Connecticut civil union, assuming marriage still isn’t available to us. Why? Because, as I’ve said, I’m a pragmatist now. It will become more important for us to have the added legal protections that the civil union will offer. And even though it is inherently second class, I will have to swallow my pride and my hope for equality, and just do it. Then, I’m going to put it behind me, and LIVE.