Miscellaneous: December 2006 Archives

I’ve been writing on this site for a good long while now -- almost five years. And while I don’t want this post to sound like I’m endlessly bitching about worldly things, there are issues in our world that are very difficult for me to deal with. Perhaps I’ve been too involved with them, or perhaps they simply hit too close to home for me.

Most of you who visit this site regularly know the issues that are important to me. Equality is at the top of the list. I’m also interested in human rights, abuse of power, hunger, disease, famine, and our (the United States) apparent inability to care about anyone else in the world but ourselves. This includes not only whole nations that we tear apart as part of “bringing liberty and democracy” to others, no matter what the cost, to the extinction of entire species of plants and animals without even a notice from our government. It was only a few days ago that the Bush Administration acknowledged that global warming is happening, although I do believe that President Bush still thinks the world is flat and on the other side of this flat world of his are the “evil doers” who are out to “destroy our way of life.”

Well, I’m sorry Mr. President, but “our way of life” is destroying this planet and many people along with it. And if we keep it up, either this Earth of ours will deal with us in no uncertain terms (look up “extinction”), or the other nations of the world will finally get their fill of our patriotic bullshit, and let us have it once and for all.

You, Mr. President, by your actions, have made the world a far less safe place, and you have made all Americans a target for terrorism. But I could talk to this moron all day long. I’d have a better chance of teaching a bear to crap in a toilet than to teach this man one honest, coherent thought.

I’m a news junkie. On an average day, I read through 10-12 papers and countless news articles. I like to be well informed. But I’ve come to realize that being well informed carries a heavy burden on someone who actually cares about these issues.

Take equality, for example. I have said over and over on this site that I want to marry my partner before my life comes to an end. Am I asking too much? The majority of America seems to think that I am, and they have noted such at the polls. How should I feel about that? They represent my country. They are the voting block that is telling me loud and clear that in so many ways, I’m a second class citizen. And how should I feel that I live in a country where the majority of Americans can march to the polls and vote to strip my family of rights and benefits simply by a popular vote, and walk away feeling that they have done a good thing, all in the name of Christianity, or bigotry? Take your pick.

I can’t give blood, for the rest of my life, simply because I’m gay. I don’t have access to marriage, so I have no public or civil means to even acknowledge something so very basic to my life; my relationship with my life partner. I can’t serve in the military, unless I’m willing to lie and make up a story about my “wife”, or “girl friend”, or all the endless sexual conquests that I’ve had with women who meant nothing but sex to me. You see, that’s ok in the eyes of the military. It’s not ok that I’ve been with my same-sex partner for 32 years.

I can be totally open about my sexuality in public, if I don’t mind worrying about being put in the hospital or killed from being gay bashed. It’s really not a choice for me. If it were just me, I could take that chance, but I can’t risk that for Kent.

And this is what we call “freedom”?

All of these things come from one source: the unwillingness of my fellow citizens to open their hearts to people who have little voice or a means to achieve an equal footing with them. It’s not just about gay people. Pick any minority. Take African Americans as an example. After slavery was abandoned, they were eventually allowed to marry an opposite sex partner, as long as that person was also black. Then, in some of the more liberal states, they could marry someone of a different race, although not all states honored that marriage. Then, that was eventually ruled unconstitutional and all 50 states had to allow it.

So today, gay couples are going through exactly the same process. Except in our case, the federal government won’t even recognize the marriages that are “real” -- those 8,000 marriages performed in Massachusetts that are recognized by the state as no less than full marriage. And other states, like my state of Connecticut, Vermont, and New Jersey are copping out to “civil unions”. Oh yeah, they are “equal to marriage”, but we just want to call it something different. And don’t be bothered that you can’t travel with it from state to state. And don’t be bothered that other countries won’t honor it because they don’t have a clue what the hell it means. And don’t be bothered that the federal government won’t even come close to honoring it because there is no such thing as a civil union in their eyes.

And all the while, we have people like Cheney and Bush telling us that it’s really up to the states to decide, knowing full well that we will never see all the legal civil rights dished out by the federal government to “marriage”.

You see, it’s not marriage I’m after. I used to think it was, but I was wrong. Whatever “sanctity” marriage ever had has been shredded by the likes of all the people who have been married 2, 3, 4, or more times. When that happens, it really becomes something that has little meaning. What I’m after is equality for families like mine. Many of those families consist of two people. Many also include children, something President Bush most likely didn’t realize until Mary Cheney became pregnant. That “equality” that I’m after has a name; “marriage”. And who knows, maybe it will be gay couples like Kent and myself, who have stayed together when so many things were trying their best to tear us apart, who can show straight couples how to be married, with class.

So, I’m withdrawing. I’m going to stop being a news junkie. In fact, I’m going to switch my reading habits altogether. I plan on being more active in photography, and will most likely be more active in posting my photos online. I’m going to care less about what I have no influence over; the ability for people to judge me not on my sexuality, but on the content of my character. I’m going to care less about people who couldn’t care less if they tried too. I’m going to care less about what our government says and does, because most Americans seem to be ok with that. Yes I know, only 33% of Americans “approve” of the job that President Bush is doing. So, where are the impeachment proceedings? I’ll tell you where... they aren’t important to people, so they aren’t going to be important to me either.

Will I be back? Well, I do plan on returning in May or June, and I may make an occasional personal post now and then if something important comes up. At least, that’s the plan for now. But you know how it is. When you get into a different lifestyle, sometimes you don’t go back to the old one.

The experience of writing on this blog has been a positive one for me in many ways. I feel I write better and express myself better now. But it’s also changed me. I’m very aware now where we stand in our society, and how far we have to go. And, I’ve come to realize that the country I thought we had, is gone, and has been replaced by something that is far less than what it was. “United We Stand” is now little more than a cliché.

My family and my friends are important to me. That is where my energies are going to go. My world is going to get much smaller. Instead of filling my weekends catching up on where things stand in the world, I’ll be hiking around and traveling a bit more, which should be enjoyable. And just think of all stress I will avoid. I’m starting this voyage today, when we will head off to Portland, Maine to celebrate my birthday, and just be together. We are almost ready to leave. The only thing left to pack are our legal papers that will hopefully prove that we are more than “legal strangers” should something bad happen to us on our trip. It’s great; a free country, and we have to carry legal papers to prove what we are to each other. You have to love it.

And of course, I can still be reached with email, should any of you who have been regular readers and friends, want to keep in touch.

There’s a very trite (in my opinion) poem that ends with this....

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world... Strive to be happy.

That’s all I’m after. Cheers.

Someone called me “a handsome man” today. I laughed it off and the person who said that stated, “No, it’s really true.”

I wonder why I’ve always thought of myself as homely. I think I’m very unattractive. In fact, I hate taking my photo because I’m afraid of how homely people will think I am. I’m even afraid of meeting people that I’ve talked to through email, and finally meet in person. Will they think I’m as homely as I think I am?

Self image is purely internal to me. I know I’m a good person inside. I know I have done good things for people who have needed me. I have been there for people who were going through their deepest despair. It’s not that I think I’m this great person. This is my nature, good or bad. I never think about it. In fact, is it bad to care for people so much? I suppose I would call that being passionate about life, when it seems to me that so many of us go through life as though it’s a pain that must be numbed.

It’s a puzzle. I sometimes value my worth. I value my worth but yet, at some level, I feel somewhat worthless because I feel I’m homely. So when someone tells me I’m handsome, I don’t know what to do with that, except to look at them like they are crazy and think that they are after something. They reassure me they are sincere, and I’m baffled.

This weekend was wonderful. Actually, much of it was like a dream.

Friday night, we went to have dinner at Peppercorns Grill in Hartford. Both of us had the risotto special, which was really wonderful. People ask, “What’s so special about risotto that you could make it a main course.” Well, trust me, if it’s done right, it’s really quite remarkable. We took our time. We got there at 5:30pm and didn’t leave until 7:30 or so. We had tickets to a Christmas celebration with Renee Fleming.

Renee Fleming, what a presence she had with the audience. And when she stepped onto the stage in a crimson gown with these unbelievable diamond earrings on that were no less than two inches long, well, it was somewhat breathtaking. She came to the center of the stage, and, with a warm an inviting smile, looked at all of us, as if we were simply in a living room, there together to share a celebration of music.

As she sung with this beautiful voice of hers, she would look around and invited us into her world of music. I felt as if she were singing to me. And as she left the stage, she would warmly look at us. I really didn’t think I would get into Christmas music, because it’s usually so fake. But this was different. It was genuine. And when she sang Holy Night, I found myself in tears. I know it’s hard for you to imagine that, but the harmonies she used and the way she sung it, were very touching. The concert lasted three hours with three standing ovations. She ended with a very personal tribute to her mother; a song that her mother used to sang to her on Christmas. She shared it with us.

So we spent Saturday remembering the concert, and how wonderful life can be. We have a lot to be thankful for.

I spoke to my brother, who lives in Idaho, late Saturday morning. He’s a bit down on his luck right now, so I sent him a special present to help him out a bit. It’s so strange... my life. When I was a kid, I was very close to my sister. She was also interested in being a singer. I was interested in piano and violin primarily. And later, in singing also. I was never close to my brother. He’s what I would have characterized as a bully. He was always making fun of me, along with my step father; the two of them hinting occasionally about the cruelest thing of all; that I might be like Liberace. That is, gay. I will spare you the more colorful adjectives that they would use, but I think you can imagine a few of them. And they would both feel this was very funny. During this time, I hid that I was gay or different in any way. I became a recluse and retreated to the safety of my room, hardly ever coming out to the rest of the house except for bathroom breaks, or meals. It became a way of life for me. I lived my life in the shadow of others of lifetimes past. My existence was the fact that they existed. In their world, I was nothing but a feeling person, who was alive in this time period on the memories of what they once were.

That is what got me through my adolescent years. That is what kept me just on the edge of safety. Had I been myself, I undoubtedly would have been the disgrace of my family, and most likely homeless, or dead. I walked a very thin line. All the while, I don’t think I really fooled anyone. The jokes about gays, they came from my brother, step father, and sister. And I would laugh at them as well. What better cover to hide your sexuality than to laugh at queers; like yourself? It was no toll to me ego because I had no ego. My goal was clear; to survive long enough to be out of the place I was in. The only person who never laughed at the gay jokes, was Mom.

So here I am years later, beyond the middle of my life, and I have finally come to a place that I can be myself, for the most part. It really should come as no surprise that gay folks who are getting older want to live in “gay friendly” environments. I have friends who do not accept the gay part of me. We talk about other things. They meet with me occasionally, I suppose so they can say, in this era of so-called “acceptance”, in some areas of the country at least, that they are enlightened, because they have allowed a person like me, “a gay”, to be their friend. I also have straight friends who never talk about being gay because they are in totally acceptance of it. It doesn’t have to be talked about because it’s a non-issue. To those friends who are reading this, you know who you are. Thank you for your true friendship.

In my family, things have come full circle. My brother and I are now very close. He is fully accepting of me. He goes out of his way to openly make mention of this when we talk. My sister, on the other hand, has become more homophobic than ever, and she holds grudges for a lifetime. She had surgery on one of her knees a year or so ago. A couple of weeks ago, she had surgery on the other knee. When my brother told me this, I mentioned that I would like to send some flowers to wish her a quick recovery. He mentioned this to her. She responded, “Tell Bill to save his money.” And that was that. She seems consumed by hate and resentment. I say this not out of spite, but because I will not allow myself to feel hate. My offer to my sister was one of sincerity; an olive branch, if you will. I now know for certain that we will never talk again. Am I sad at this? I suppose at some level I am, but you have to keep in mind that we haven’t spoken since my mother’s funeral in 1984. So, it’s not as if I miss her company. I am a different person now - my own person. I left all the negative things in my life behind in Idaho, along with all the jokes, hatred, and people like my sister. She used to say, “Life is short. Make the most of it.” I did, and I am. She should do the same.

And that was my weekend. Not uneventful at all.

Lady: Not how I pictured him at all. (talking about a man pretending to be gay)

Police Officer: They’re crafty that way....

Lady: Ummm.... I mean he’s cute in a sort of zestfully clean kind of way, but I like my men a little dirty and packin’ heat (eyeing the police officer’s pants), humm chappy?

Police Officer: Umm... I best bring the rest of it up (handing the box to her... police officer leaves)

Lady to another lady: I thought they were gay.

Other Lady: They are.

Lady: Oh ho ho! I don’t know much but I know men, and he was lookin’ at you the way a fat man looks at fried food.

From the movie, Happy, Texas

"We don’t get into anyone’s private area." - Westboro Baptist Church (the creator of godhatesfags.com) spokeswoman Shirley Phelps-Roper

The quote, coming from her, was just too good to resist.

I’m still sick.

For those of you who have wondered why I haven’t posted so much, I just haven’t felt up to it lately. I have developed a nasty cold that just doesn’t want to go away. It’s not contagious. It’s a nagging chest cold that has left me with a cough and fatigue. I’m able to work. I feel well in the mornings and early afternoons. But by evening, I’m pretty much wiped out by 7:00. So, I’ve been going to bed early and just doing what my body is asking me to do. An observation on my energy levels of late...

IF Growing older = less energy output THEN

(Growing older + exercise) = (less energy output + exercise routines that lately end up sucking wind because of “less energy output”) ELSE

Enjoy life sitting in front of the TV and enjoying espresso and having those double chocolate cookies = BE HAPPY!

It seems lately that I’m falling through the ELSE and enjoying those cookies. I’ll work on that a bit harder.

Renee Fleming
Renee Fleming is coming to Hartford for a holiday concert at The Bushnell on December 15!

We will go to Peppercorns Grill, one of our favorite places for dinner at 5:30 (no need to be rushed), and will proceed to The Bushnell for the 8:00pm concert. We will be sitting 5 rows back from the stage. You don’t even want to know what I paid for the tickets. It was sold out, but they kept telling me to keep calling back because someone may cancel. I kept calling with no luck, until Friday. Two seats together opened up. I impulsively grabbed them!

I’m a huge Renee Fleming fan. She has such a beautiful voice which is very velvety to me. I was also pleased to hear that she has done some work with jazz as well. She is quite versatile. So, I’m not really sure what to expect from this concert, except that on December 21st, six days after her Bushnell performance, she is doing her “Rejoice Greatly: Christmas” concert at Carnegie Hall in NYC. I’m wondering if it will be the same performance. And I’m hoping.... no Puccini please! I don’t feel like crying my eyes out at this concert. Me and Puccini... very emotional mix. Moving on....

Christmas
I always have problems getting into the spirit of Christmas anymore. I suppose I consider myself to be a Christian. I was raised a Christian. But lately (in the last few years), I’ve grown extremely displeased with the whole damn lot of people who claim to be “Christians”, but know nothing, it would seem, about how to be a Christian. The only thing they are missing is the concept of love, understanding, and compassion. What they have a complete understanding of is condemnation, greed, lust, and selfishness. I want nothing to do with them.

So to me, a Christmas tree is something you put stuff on, sit around, and think good thoughts. That’s kind of hard to do when we are at war, being lead by a moron who doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground (a fairly odd expression, come to think of it), people dying of disease around the world... well, you get the idea.

So, I think we will forgo the Christmas tree this year. There is talk, mostly from Kent, that we should at least put up lights. Maybe. We’ll see. My neighbor, you know, the Christian one who can’t stand us deviants, is celebrating Christmas in a very Christian way, by having a big (6 feet tall) blow up Santa Claus on his front yard. Pure class. What’s next, toilets placed in the yard that has been turned into planters? Sigh....

The President
A few tidbits I just couldn’t pass up.

Tidbit # 1

Despite some notable accomplishments in domestic and foreign policy, Nixon is mostly associated today with disdain for the Constitution and abuse of presidential power. Obsessed with secrecy and media leaks, he viewed every critic as a threat to national security and illegally spied on U.S. citizens. Nixon considered himself above the law.

Bush has taken this disdain for law even further. He has sought to strip people accused of crimes of rights that date as far back as the Magna Carta in Anglo-American jurisprudence: trial by impartial jury, access to lawyers and knowledge of evidence against them. In dozens of statements when signing legislation, he has asserted the right to ignore the parts of laws with which he disagrees. His administration has adopted policies regarding the treatment of prisoners of war that have disgraced the nation and alienated virtually the entire world. Usually, during wartime, the Supreme Court has refrained from passing judgment on presidential actions related to national defense. The court’s unprecedented rebukes of Bush’s policies on detainees indicate how far the administration has strayed from the rule of law. [...]

Historians are loath to predict the future. It is impossible to say with certainty how Bush will be ranked in, say, 2050. But somehow, in his first six years in office he has managed to combine the lapses of leadership, misguided policies and abuse of power of his failed predecessors. I think there is no alternative but to rank him as the worst president in U.S. history. (source)

Tidbit # 2

Two days before he resigned as secretary of defense, Donald H. Rumsfeld sent a rambling memo to the White House in which he acknowledged that the current U.S. strategy in Iraq was not working and offered several diverging scenarios for reversing course.

In the classified, three-page document, Rumsfeld offered several options for reducing troop presence in Iraq, including some that were similar to proposals by Democratic critics of the war in Iraq and that have been sharply opposed by the Bush administration. [...]

“In my view it is time for a major adjustment,” Rumsfeld wrote in the Nov. 6 memo. “Clearly, what U.S. forces are currently doing in Iraq is not working well enough or fast enough.” [...]

Critics immediately seized on the memo as an admission of failure by one of the administration’s primary architects of the Iraq war and its aftermath.

“This is an unbelievable memo. It is an admission of failure. It is more frank than anything that any [administration] official has said publicly in the three years of the war,” said Joseph Cirincione, senior vice president for national security at the Center for American Progress, a liberal think tank.

Michael O’Hanlon, a defense analyst at the Brookings Institution, said he thought the memo would undercut any attempt by President Bush to defend anything resembling a “stay the course” policy in Iraq. (source)

I don’t understand. Both of these men are known to be as brilliant as a dwarf star*. How could they be so wrong?

* dwarf star - n. A star, such as the sun, having relatively low mass, small size, and average or below average luminosity.

Finally, there was a story about gay people who are now faced with legal issues in Wisconsin, one of the states who just passed an amendment against marriage, civil unions, and anything that is similar to a marriage. That means that wills, power of attorney, medical directives... wait, those all are similar to marriage? Or are they? Guess what. A court will decide!

Anyway, I’ve reached burn out point on the marriage issue. Bottom line for you Wisconsin folks; pack up your bags and move to a state that will afford you protections, such as Massachusetts, or Connecticut. There’s really no other way unless you want your life and the custody of your children to become a court room test case. After all, it’s only your life we are talking about. Life’s too short for that crap. Move.

Now I’m off to see the movie Déjà Vu. Kent, want to come with me?

Today is “World AIDS Day”.

Bill’s personal AIDS time line...

Early 1980’s...
We are in San Francisco. I know many people with HIV. There is no help available except for a couple of hospitals with AIDS wards. Mainly, we take care of ourselves. Many of us die at home surrounded by friends. This was the case with most of my friends.

We heard nothing from the Federal Government. No help was available. A handful of drug companies were coming up with new drugs. The life expectancy was 6 months to 2 years. The mortality rate was 100%.

I was in a choir with 42 other gay men. Today, they are all dead except for the remaining 2 of us.

Mid 1980’s...
Death is all around me. I walk through The Castro, our current neighborhood, and I’m told that yet another friend passed away. Hope is gone. Why doesn’t our government help? Why does our President say nothing about AIDS?

1986...
My closest friend Stanley, told me one morning after we saw each other at a Sunday brunch that he had “it”. He came over to our table, gave me a hug, and whispered into my ear, “I have it.” My heart sank. He said nothing more.

1987...
I saw Stan a couple of days before we left San Francisco. I knew it was the last time I would see him. I made sure that I said the words, “I love you.” He started crying and said, “I love you too.” Then, we cried together. I left two days later for Connecticut, for Kent’s new job. Two months after living here, a friend calls me to let me know of Stan’s passing. He fought so hard. He was very brave.

1988...
I still care. I sign up to work as a “buddy” with the AIDS Project Hartford. We did a lot of good work. The clientele were mostly gay men. Later, we started seeing other minorities and IV drug users coming to us for help.

Today...
World AIDS Day is like Christmas. It comes around once a year and preaches caring, love, forgiveness, kindness..... but nothing ever changes. It exists so that we can go away feeling good that at least once a year we thought about AIDS, just like once a year we buy a Christmas tree, dress it up with gaudy ornaments, and somehow convince ourselves that we have found love, compassion, and understanding.

I don’t think of AIDS anymore. My friends are dead. I’m alive. My life goes on without them. People didn’t care then that we were dying, and they don’t care now. They claim to care about the orphaned children that are parent-less because of AIDS. They claim to care about the fact that half of all new AIDS infections are coming from the black community. They still care little that gay people are getting this disease, and many, despite all the evidence, are still calling AIDS “largely a gay disease”.

On my way to work this morning, I heard an evangelical preacher talk about how the evangelical community has been late in coming to the table to help those with AIDS (you think?). He said that they thought it was a “gay disease”, and now that they see that it’s killing heterosexuals in Africa and America, they’ve suddenly decided that they should have helped more (not saying much), kind of like how President Reagan should have helped more when people in my community were pleading with the Federal Government to help us with funding in the 1980’s as people in my community were dropping like flies, and while comedians such as Bob Hope were popping AIDS jokes just for laughs.

But now that others are catching AIDS outside the gay community, this evangelical preacher is now saying that he is “sorry” for not bringing the “love of Christ” to us (gays) sooner. Preacher, you are 20 fucking years too late! GO AWAY! Preach your road-side crap to someone who gives a shit about what you have to say -- someone who hasn’t had to hold friends as they took their last breath as you were preaching that AIDS was punishment from your loving, caring, God.

AIDS burnout. Now, I’m supposed to stop everything and care again, because the world has finally caught up to what AIDS is.

In 25 years, nothing has changed. Except now, their children are getting AIDS.

Can someone explain to me again why now, at this stage in the game, that I’m supposed to care? When my friends were dying, no one cared. I’m simply following the example.

Post-publishing note - 12:20p.m.
This entry makes it sound like I’m a very hardened person inside. I’m actually not. I’m actually a very compassionate person. But, I hate fake people and I hate fake promises. And, I really hate fake people who hide behind fake promises condemning people they don’t even know based on what they perceive to be the “Love of Jesus Christ”.

I suppose my experience could be compared to Vietnam era troops. They went to fight for their country against an enemy that we could not defeat. When they came home, they were spit upon and called “baby killers”. And we wonder why so many of them are bitter and disillusioned.

I’ve been through a battle. The casualty rate was high. We are losing the war on AIDS and people are still calling it a “gay disease”. It’s sad and pathetic. Many of us had no home to come home to because many of us were disowned by our families by the same mentality that damns us to Hell by the same evangelicals, and Christian community at large. Many people stated at the time that they “didn’t want their tax dollars to fight a disease that was ridding society of queers”. Indeed, I remember one “Christian” stating that Christians should “kill a queer for Christ.”

This is what it was like for me and so many others like me. I don’t claim to carry the cross on this issue. So many people in the gay community went through this. I honestly can’t tell you which was worse: having my friends die of AIDS, or having people not care that we were dying of AIDS.

People in the Christian community love to state that gay people get AIDS because they are so promiscuous. I will undoubtedly be accused of stereotyping and lumping all Christians together, just as they have lumped all gay people together.

My friend Stan used to lament that he and his partner had no civil recognition of their partnership. In Tuscon, they had a “civil union.” It was basically a few friends who gathered one afternoon, and listened to the two of them publicly stating their relationship to each other. But, it was given no consideration. It had no legal weight and was not recognized. In one conversation with him, we talked of marriage. This was long before anyone was talking about marriage for gay couples. He told me, “Marriage is something that people like us will never have.” It was the tone in his voice and the way he said it that I remember. He said it in such a way that I could tell he had little motivation to put value in a relationship that no one else put value in. There was no support.

This issue has come full circle in the Christian community. They used to say that if we could just be in relationships and be monogamous, we wouldn’t get AIDS. Today, when so many in the gay community are trying to achieve marriage - something that could cut down on AIDS transmission if people give it a chance - the Christian community is doing everything in it’s power to keep us down - to keep us in a place where we put no value on ourselves, or our relationships.

We must not let that happen.