Well, Kent left Chicago and is now in route to China. It will take him about 13 hours to get there. No wonder, look at the route they are taking!

We got up super early this morning to get Kent off to China. He will be there for one week, and then back home. For some reason, I'm a bit more worried this time than I am on other trips he takes. It's probably because of my paranoia about China and all the restrictions they have. I'm not sure if he will be able to call, or Skype. I presume email won't be a problem, although wireless technologies, such as the iPad that he took with him, may be an issue.

At any rate, he installed this really cool software on my Blackberry that will, once the flight takes off, alert me that it is in the air, and will give me the location of where he's at. It looks like this. In fact, this is a screen shot right from my Blackberry of his flight.

Pretty cool stuff.

I just returned from a week-long vacation to Idaho. It's not the place I would choose as a vacation spot, but that's most likely to do with my baggage about the state. Boise aside, the state is very conservative and well, generally very short sighted and not accepting of anything outside it's comfort zone. That really doesn't leave a lot of room.

That being said, I found this trip to be quite rewarding. The weather was what you would except this time of year in Idaho. Very dry, around 6% humidity, and around 100 degrees. I tolerated it quite well because I'm used to much higher humidity in the East. I think this was the best trip I've had to Idaho since I left the place in 1978.

I visited my usual friends as I also do. It's comfortable because they are all quite accepting. But what really surprised me was how much my family has come around. Wednesday night, I attended a birthday dinner for a family member. And many of them asked when they were going to meet Kent, and if he might come on the next trip with me. That's quite a step forward. Not so long ago, they would not acknowledge, or approve of the fact that I'm a gay man, let alone ask about my soon-to-be husband. The fact that they connected him to me tells me that at some level, they acknowledge us as a couple, even though most of them probably voted to ban marriage equality for gays in the Idaho Constitution. But perhaps things are changing. Change comes slow in the West, so I suppose if they ever do get around to getting rid of their gay marriage ban, it will be fifty years from now - in the next generation of young people who don't seem to understand what the big deal is with having marriage equality. At any rate, this was one of the highlights of the week.

Another big event was meeting with my college roommate. He was my roommate my first year in college. After that, I roomed with Kent. We had three hours to do a 30-year catch up. I think we did pretty well and I enjoyed our time together. We talked about what people were doing now, and cleared the air on some unresolved issues. On being gay, we had to agree to disagree on whether is is a "sin" or not. I think he wants me to be happy in life, and if that means being together with Kent and being married to him, he actually seemed ok with that. Which seems a bit odd to me because he feels that being gay is a "sin". But that's ok. I've lived long enough to set aside differences and let things go. My main focus at this time in my life is to stay healthy and live a good life. I honestly just can't concern myself with other people's attitudes about the way I live. I live an honorable life, am kind to others, and have a big compassionate heart. Sin or no sin, that's good enough for me.

My brother is doing better I think. And his newly redone home looks great. I think he'll be ok if he takes care of himself. He doesn't do that as diligently as I do. Oh, one more thing about Idaho.... It is absolutely impossible to eat healthy (low fat). It's everywhere and unavoidable. And people eat anything and everything. I guess I'm just paranoid and in a "zero-fat" mindset because my brother will eat things that he really shouldn't be having. At home, I just simply don't have them. So when I get home, I expect to see that I've gained 5 pounds, and will need to get back on track.

Final note in this entry... Ten years ago on this day, we lost our sweet little Sasha. We sure miss her.

Yes, I'm still around. So many things have been happening that it's all I can do to keep up.

My brother is settled for the time being in Boise at a rehab center at the VA hospital. He was doing ok until a week or so ago when they noticed blot clots that had accumulated in his lungs. So, that was a set-back for him. He had to stop walking and doing his exercises, which is a big problem when you are trying to gain strength back. They were afraid that by walking, one of the clots would discharge and travel somewhere else in his body. This is how people die from blood clots.

Then, I talked to my cousin who said that they were going to release him to go home in a week. That's when I called the hospital to talk to them. After a bit of cutting through the bureaucracy (I'm getting good at that), I talked to his social worker, who coordinates with the doctors when the release will happen. I talked to her about the very obvious (to me at least); What if he falls? How is he going to get groceries when he can't even drive? And if he gets groceries, he's not yet able to cook for himself. Do you realize that he lives alone with very little support? And the best one of all; How on earth can you think of a release date when he has blood clots ANYWHERE? It honestly just amazes me.

She assured me he wouldn't be released until they thought he was ready and that these dates change all the time based on how he's doing from day to day. I understand that, but I told her that for them to even be thinking of a release date when he has blood clots is "crazy. I'm not even a doctor, and I know that much!" I can be emotional at times. But it's really just common sense.

She said they will give him a "life line" to wear. That's one of those necklace devices that you can push if you need help (you will probably know them by "...help!!!  I've fallen and I can't get up!"). Also, they will arrange for someone to come by every other day or so to check in on him and help him with certain things. I'm looking at meals on wheels, or some program like that.

Other than that, things are looking up in other areas. We remodeled his house completely. It's a home makeover, and I mean TOP TO BOTTOM; fixed the roof, new flooring/carpeting, new flat screen TV, and the HD antenna goes up soon, new bed, new bathroom, new paint. If he can live alone, I think he'll be all set. I'm thinking of going out to get him situated if I get enough of a warning. The way the VA works, they will come in one morning and say, "We're letting you go today."

On the home front, I'm doing pretty well. Work has been more stressful lately, and that messes up my body. I just can't take stress anymore. I saw my cardiologist last Thursday, and he's concerned that I'm pushing myself too much, and that I'm feeling so much fatigue in the afternoons-evenings - something that I've learned to live with. I can see his concern, but I don't think he understands the stress levels I'm at. He ordered a blood test, and a stress test - routine things. It's a good thing. I want to know where I'm at now. He said the heart sounds quite strong and normal.

As far as work is concerned, I'm thinking of working it out so I work at home two days a week and go in three days. I think that will cut down on the stress levels. I'll still be online with them and will still have the deadlines, but I won't have people dropping by all the time with their issues that they could just as well schedule out. It's not as good for them, but it's better for me. The only thing I really know is, I'm not going to kill myself for this job.

Wedding day seems set. We are having it on October 15th, which just happens to also be Kent's birthday. Some family members would like to come, and others don't. It's become so complicated on how to handle that, that we are leaning towards a private wedding - just the two of us and maybe a few close friends. After that, we'll probably go down to Mystic Seaport for the weekend, or maybe to Cambridge, MA. We'll choose one of them (as opposed to Maine), because Connecticut and Massachusetts see us as equal, where Maine does not. On this day of all days, that's important to us.

One thing that I have become painfully aware of, is that our wedding is not just a wedding to most people. It is a political statement. No matter how open minded people are, they will always see two men or two women getting married as different. They will see them differently than they would a straight couple. I'm not saying that makes them bad people. I'm saying that for us to expect them to see our wedding as a simple wedding, is a reach. Maybe in 50-100 years that will happen, but not now. I'm ok with that. It is what it is, and it takes people time to change, perhaps it takes a generation who grow up with it, that much time to change.

I bought a Wii today. I'm not so interested in the games, although I may try some of the exercise routines it offers. I've noticed lately that when I go to my Netflix queue, more and more movies offer "View Instantly", as opposed to waiting to get the CD to arrive in the mail. And the Wii makes that happen. It talks to Netflix apparently and you can do it all right from there if you have the Netflix disc (waiting for it to arrive). I'm very much into instant gratification and if I can just press a button on my TV screen and watch the movie, well, that's just cool!

I'm so glad warmer weather is here. I know I haven't written anything for awhile, but personal issues have distracted me. I always try to balance life with the good and the not-so-good. Everyone has that stuff in their life.

Do you ever think of your life as a story that's unfolding, day by day? Or, as many do, do you just go through life a day at a time and not really think too much about that unfolding story. You'd be surprised at how many people never really take in life. To do that, you have to see the bigger picture and see your life as a story that you're living in the here and now.

When I went through my heart bypass, I was for the most part, in shock. I couldn't believe this was happening to me, a man who was actually quite healthy. I had never had any major health issues of any kind. I went through a period of depression that required medication over a decade ago, but then I got back to normal. And then, last year, I had to go through bypass. And I asked myself, "Why is this happening to me?"

Yes I know... it could have been worse. There are a lot of things that with today's medical knowledge, are just not that treatable. Heart bypass is not one of them. It's become quite routine. That being said, it is rather a difficult thing to recover from; months of working hard to get your stamina back. At times, it seems like you will never quite be "you" again. But that does change. Today, I'm 90% back. I have days of feeling worn out, but they are getting fewer and fewer. And I must say, I love this new body of mine.

I'm not saying that I'm going to make an offer to Playgirl (or Playguy) magazine for a modeling gig just yet. I'm just saying that if I did that now, they wouldn't necessarily throw up at the idea. After all, I hear that tattoos and scars are becoming popular again. So who knows?

So the "why" I had to go through heart bypass may have two reasons. First, to save my life. Second, to prepare me for something that is yet to come.

On April 25, my brother had a major heart attack. They almost lost him. I guess I could see it coming. He had warning signs for a few months now. He's a veteran so he goes to the VA Hospital in Boise. They told him he would probably need a bypass and after tests, discovered that he will need a triple bypass. So what did they do? They gave him prescriptions for nitro pills to put under his tongue whenever he had chest pains. I was actually shocked at this. I understand giving him nitro pills. They did that for me as well, but I didn't have severe chest pains just by going out to my mailbox to get my mail. He would have to take a nitro pill just to do that, so he was taking many of these throughout the day. They told him it would be 5-6 weeks before they could get him to Seattle. Apparently, the VA does not do bypass surgery in Boise.

Then, the heart attack happened, and suddenly, he was medevaced to Seattle for observation. They confirmed the heart attack and said that he was lucky to be alive. He's actually in a nursing home now recuperating until next Tuesday when they will do the operation. The VA most likely has a contract with this facility because it costs less money. His heart needs time to heal. I could see this coming and I don't even have a medical license. But, as we've all learned in the health care debate, there's all different levels of health care. It took them a week to get me in, and months to get him in.

So next Sunday morning, I head to Seattle. And on Tuesday, he will receive a triple bypass. I don't know what his chances are. He doesn't have the underlying health that I had. He has smoked for 35 years and just quit a few weeks ago. He's a hundred pounds overweight and has never watched what he eats. And finally, he has full blown diabetes. With all of that going against him, I just don't know. I think it must mean that even with the risks involved, the doctors believe they have no choice.

I just hope that, if he makes it through the surgery, he will make a life style change. I did, and for me, it wasn't even that hard considering going through all of that again. It's going to be a long week next week. It will be just me and him, with no other support around. I'll have to be the strong one.

The Hartford Symphony Orchestra is not the New York Philharmonic Orchestra. But at the concert last night, more times than not, I could close my eyes, and not hear a difference. It was simply outstanding.

I'm not saying the concert did not have flaws. There were some, particularly in the Tchaikovsky Fifth Symphony. The program...

• Bedřich Smetana - "Vltrave" ("The Moldau") from Má vlast ("My Fatherland")
• Jean Sibelius - Violin Concerto in D minor, Op. 47
• Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky - Symphony No. 5 in E minor, Op. 64

Bedřich Smetana - "Vltrave" ("The Moldau") from Má vlast ("My Fatherland")
This work has always been one of my favorites. The technical problem with this work is that it is more often than not, taken for granted. And, it's performed as such. People think it is a beautiful peace, but there is much darkness and turbulence in this work. And most orchestras gloss over this like it means nothing. Last night, I could hear all of this darkness in stunning clarity with these dark passages rippling through the orchestra without hiding their face to us. This is thanks in no small part to the conductor (I'll get to him in a minute) who paid particular attention to these important elements. And when the light of the sun triumphed over this darkness, it was simply breathtaking. Everything is a comparison to the other and when the sun came out, the excitement that this orchestra gave with this conductor at the helm sent shivers up my spine. The work has a lot of nationalism in it, or pride of country. And I found myself feeling that.

Jean Sibelius - Violin Concerto in D minor, Op. 47
This was an odd experience for me. Right after the Smetana, room was made for Leonid Sigal, the orchestras concertmaster, to perform the Sibelius Violin Concerto. But then they brought out a stool where he would play. They then secured the stool with weights on the feet of the stool. I was thinking, "How strange. He isn't seriously going to sit down and play this work." We all got quiet, and when he came out, he was holding his violin and bow in one hand, and limping out with a cane in the other hand. The stool it seems was to give him something to lean on. There was an injury to his leg and after he secured the cane to the back of the stool, he took his bow. You could see on his face that he was clearly in pain. I thought to myself, "This isn't a good sign. He shouldn't be up there."

Let me make one analogy of the Sibelius Violin Concerto, and something that Beverly Sills said once about "mad scenes" in opera. She was asked about mad scenes. She mentioned scenes in early opera that had some mad scenes, mad scenes in verismo opera where the lead character will go mad, and then she said, "... and then, there's Lucia", referring Lucia di Lammermoor, by Gaetano Donizetti. She put Lucia in it's own category because as she put it, Lucia didn't go mad, she was mad, and had this profound condition from start to end.

I mention this because this is exactly how I feel about the Sibelius Violin Concerto. In the violin literature, there are many violin concertos from the Classical era (1750 to 1820)* that offer their fair share of difficult passages. And then there are the concertos from the Romantic era (1820 to 1920)* that concentrate more on the virtuosity of the violinist. And then, there's the Sibelius, this concerto that towers over the others. It's not the virtuosity of the piece, it's simply to be avoided. In opera, you make a choice. The singer can be extremely virtuostic in terms of sheer notes in a given passage (for example coloratura, which emphasizes lightness, dexterity, and the higher range), or, darker heavier roles, such as Puccini, Verdi, or Strauss. In these works, the sacrifice of the fast moving passages for the singer, are gone. The reason, weight. The weight of the work, both emotionally and on the voice itself, sacrifices dexterity. So too is it with the Sibelius... kind of. The problem is, Sibelius doesn't sacrafice either. It's all there, passages that are just beyond human endurance, and emotional weight in the form of anguished dark moods. You will find hints of sunshine in this work, but it never wins.

In other words, it takes a toll on the violinist both technically and emotionally. Jascha Heifetz approached this work with the technical skill of a surgeon. Technically placed perfectly, yet leaving me unmoved. So last night, I was wondering how Hartford's Leonid Sigal was going to perform this work with his injury. It wasn't long into the work that I realized that he was using the pain to his advantage. The virtuosity was there, and the suffering on his face, from either the music or the pain, was genuine, and they worked with each other. It was an amazing experience to see. He didn't muddle his way through the work, he conquered it. And it was followed by a thunderous standing ovation. This was "our Lenny" after all, and I'm proud that he is with us in Hartford.

Pyotr Ilyish Tchaikovsky - Symphony No. 5 in E minor, Op. 64
This work is close to my heart. When I was a young lad way back in 1973, I had the wonderful opportunity to tour Europe after I was accepted into America's Youth In Concert. This symphony was one of the works we performed. It was the last work we performed in New York City together, before I said goodbye to so many wonderful friends that I made on the tour. So for years, I went without listening to this work. But now, I'm ok with it. It was performed well, with a few exceptions. I noticed this in the third movement mostly with the very fast spiccato in the strings. They weren't quite together. They had the work under their fingers, so I believe this was a fault of the conductor through these passages. And it was only a couple of passages that I noticed this.

The second movement with the towering horn solo was magnificent. In fact, through this symphony, I must say that what really came through was the the great wind and brass sections of this orchestra. Honestly, they sounded like the renowned brass section from the Chicago Symphony. I put this squarely on the shoulders of the guest conductor last night. Far too often do conductors with string backgrounds (the guest conductor is a violinist) diminish the brass players as though they are second class to strings. You do this at your peril in music. It's a strict partnership and yet, you'd be surprised at how many conductors out there just don't get that. Concerning the second movement, the only criticism I have is that it was a bit too dry, or metronomic, for me. There are times in this movement that you break tempo and let the moment play out. I felt that a few opportunities were missed by "moving on" too quickly, when we should have stayed and savored the moment a bit more.

All in all, I was satisfied with this performance. It wasn't perfect. There were some flaws, but I felt the conductor added much welcomed interest in exposing inner passages here and there that are often just glossed over in recordings. He's on the right path. Those aren't just notes. They are COLOR!

About the conductor, Andrew Grams
The Hartford Symphony is searching for a new conductor. As such, different concerts feature different conductors. So far, Mr. Grams is my first choice. He brings to the podium a youthful energy, respect and appreciation for all sections of the orchestra as equals in a partnership, and his technique is precise and well executed.

I was able to attend his pre-concert talk at 7:00. Most conductors want to talk about the music that will be performed, and how it effects them. Not Mr. Grams. He was more interested about us, the audience, the community, and where we would like to see the Hartford Symphony go in this time of it's life. He made it clear that if he was selected, he would be much more interested on our feedback and what we wanted from the symphony. With that, he said, without that you will never be truly part of the life of this symphony. Brutally honest, and, he's right!

As for the music, he talked very briefly about it but then said (and I'm paraphrasing), "These are well known works. I have my feelings about them, but that's not important, and I'm sure most of you have lived with them through your lives. Each of us must listen to them and hear them in our own ways. And hopefully, I can bring something new to this experience for you." He then opened it up for questions from us. This never happened before. One question that caught my attention was this, "By doing works that are so well known to all of us, aren't you playing it safe by choosing those?" He answered that he didn't get to pick the program with the exception of the Smetana. The program was planned by the Board of Directors with the Sibelius and the Tchaikovsky. He pointed out that guest conductors rarely get to pick the compositions performed for any given orchestra. But they asked him to pick a piece that "wasn't too long." Perhaps this was a test from them to see what he would marry these two works with. He finally also mentioned regarding the question of "playing it safe", that by performing well known works, he confronts people who know these works, and that can be a double edged sword. Very true.

I'm glad I made this effort to drive to Hartford through a snow storm. I got there a bit cold and weary as it was snowing out, bought a glass of wine, took it to my seat with me (yes, they let us do that), and listened to Smetana's The Moldau in a live performance, as I sipped a nice Merlot.

* Note that these date ranges are approximate. You will find that among different sources, they will vary somewhat.

I have a lot to be thankful for this year. First and foremost, I'm alive. Life can change for any of us so fast. And most of us take life for granted. I know I won't do that anymore. I've been thinking about all the people this year who have been a big part of my life...

First and foremost, Kent. He is the most amazing human being I know. He was with me through all the bad stuff and continues to be an anchor for me since my operation in June. It hasn't been easy for us, but we've always had each other.

Mom and Dad. They came out last June to help us through everything. At the time I didn't want them to come, but I didn't realize what I was up against. I don't know what we would have done without them.

Austin, my friend who lives in Boston. When I had my angiogram, Kent was in South Africa for a month. Austin came down from Boston to take me to the hospital for the procedure. We have a very solid friendship, but I want him to know that I don't take his generosity for granted. It's good to have a friend you can count on.

Various people at work. I've received a lot of support from people at work. It's honestly been a surprise to me because I didn't think many people at work cared, but the outpouring of support from my coworkers, and especially my boss and management in general, has been overwhelming.

Dawn and Catherine, the RN's at my cardiac rehabilitation program. I thank them for being relentless in pushing me to get stronger. Each session is more difficult than the last and it's been grueling. But, it's paid off. I have more stamina now and probably am in better shape than before the operation.

All the people who sent me cards and well wishes during my recovery. There were hundreds of them - cards and emails. I kept them all to remind me that there are so many people who care.

Tomorrow, we will go to spend our Thanksgiving at Mystic, Connecticut. We stay at the Inn at Mystic, and will have dinner at the Flood Tide Restaurant. They make a great dinner, just like home cooking, and a lot less work. We always have a good time there. We'll come home on Friday and spend a quiet weekend together.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

It amazes me how one single event in a person's life can alter the priority list for that person. We all have priority lists; what is the most important thing to you, and the least important. And between those two extremes, are all the things that we do in our daily lives.

Take me for example. I used to love blogging and talking (bitching) about social issues. I still love blogging when I have time and feel up to it, but social issues have really dropped on my list of priorities. It's not like I'm in a lot of pain anymore, and my progress with my cardiac rehab program is going well. In fact, in the last week, after months of really hard work, I can finally measure that I have a bit more stamina at the end of the day. Today, I see my cardiologist. After that, I will go home, and it's entirely possible that I will feel up to taking a nice long, fast-paced walk after I get home. And all of this after I took my cardiac rehab class this morning, and worked most of the day. A month ago, when I got home after all of that, I would have been wiped out. So, I see progress.

But I've also noticed that what is important to me has shifted. It's as if I'm looking at the world now through different eyes. I'm online less now with the social networks. I suppose I should care about the social issues more. I am an activist after all. But somehow, my heart just isn't in it (no pun intended). I think some of that has to do with our society as a whole right now. We seem much more disconnected with each other and much more withdrawn individually. Perhaps that's because so many of us face a less predictable future with jobs and health care in general. With me, I think it's few things.

First and foremost, I could have died. That was a wake up call to me of all the things I took for granted and just how easily life can go out with the blink of an eye. Life is so fragile. I'm lucky. I have a doctor who picked up on warning signs that many doctors would have missed. Also, so much life can simply be missed by being angry at how society looks at you because of the color of your skin, your sexuality, or any other thing about you that is different. I'm tired of being angry because I don't have that luxury any more. Nor should I. The world will do what the world is going to do whether I like it or not, with or without me.

That being said, I am happy about the hate crimes bill that is now on it's way to the President for his signature. This was years in the making, and even today, there are many in Congress who wanted it to be it's own bill so it would die again. But this time, it's attached to the defense funding bill, and that has many on Capitol Hill bitching and moaning that they are being forced to pass a bill that will collect statistics and add time to sentencing if you beat up or kill a gay, lesbian, or transgendered person. In other words, we are no longer invisible. They now have to acknowledge that hate crimes are actually something that a large part of my community fear and have had to live with for a very long time. I also have hope that progress can be made on Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and the Defense of Marriage Act. Both of them should be abolished, and my hope is that will happen sometime in the next 3 years.

But happen or not, I think about myself and my family now first and foremost. Everything else is gravy. If that makes me a selfish bastard, I can live with that. I've paid my dues and I've done my fair share of marches and protests.

Baxter passed away last Friday. This is a tribute to him.

It was a nice and restful weekend for us. We decided on the spur of the moment to take off Saturday morning and go to Cambridge, Massachusetts. We only stayed for one night, but it was nice to actually get away for a bit.

We stated at The Charles this time. We have a few places we like, but The Charles is right in the middle of Harvard Square with all it's excitement and so many people out collecting signatures for one cause or another.

We had dinner at Sandrine's Bistro in the middle of Harvard Square.

The next day, we had a leisurely breakfast at the hotel, and headed home. We were home by 2:00p.m. on Sunday and just rested the rest of the day. Sometimes, doing very little is just what the soul needs.