I admit, I just haven't felt like writing in awhile. I've come to realize that a lot more has changed about me then just the physical. I've lost a lot of weight (a good thing I suppose). People at work keep telling me, "I just can't believe how much weight you've lost." That's true. In total since my operation last June, 47 pounds. And I've moved from and extra large shirt to a large.

Stamina is still somewhat of an issue for me. Yesterday I was spending time with someone at work trying to figure out a problem on his computer. I had a lot of other things going on as well. So, I was under a bit of stress. We were both sitting at the work bench and I rested my head on my hand and took this big long sigh. He told me I looked tired. I told him, "Right now, it's a bit tough. I have to conserve my energy." I used to wonder how long this would continue, but that too is a part of me that has changed. Perhaps it's better just to list them out...

1. I don't take anything at all for granted now because I know it could all end in the blink of an eye. That means me. It's ok though. I'm happy and I've found the most important thing one can have in life: love. I have no regrets.
   
2. I don't live for my job any longer. Much of my responsibility has been outsourced. I'm sure the company did that to protect themselves as well. But, it's allowed me to do what I'm able to do without sacrificing my well being.
3. I've stopped worrying about when I will get more stamina back. It will happen when if happens. If it doesn't, I'll do what I can to keep what I have. I'm not going to worry about it. Why worry about something you have little control over? I'll try to build it up the best I can, and that will have to be good enough.
   
4. My focus is on my body. To that end, I've drastically cut back on drinking, especially hard liquor. It's been replaced by the likes of pomegranate juice, Greek yogurt (sounds gross, but I love the texture), coffee, no more soda, very little meat. In fact, I'm practically vegetarian now and strangely enough, I don't miss meat much. There are so many amazing recipes that are vegetarian.
   
5. Focus on blood levels. Last blood test was out of the park for low cholesterol. Doctor was impressed and I wasn't even trying to get the cholesterol low. I was just doing my normal everyday diet.
   
6. I'm very grateful that I have a job! I am happy they kept me through all of this. But, in this economy, who knows what will happen. I've stopped worrying about that because I cannot effect the outcome.
7. Stress not! If I'm confronted with too much stress, I take a time out and walk away. If someone starts getting under my skin at work and I feel my blood pressure rising, I turn right around and walk away from the situation. I'm in control.
8. Total loss of interest in politics or social issues. That includes groups that seem to like to take my money to support "our issues", but never get anything done. I think all politicians are self centered worthless beings who only care about their own self interests and getting reelected, which is why our government is no longer working.
9. FINALLY, a loss of interest in writing. It's not that I don't like to write, but it's not a priority any longer, but don't give up on me. I'm working on that. Perhaps smaller, but more frequent updates? Maybe it's depression. I have quite a bit of that going on lately, but it's not going to stop me. But, I still have my bad days like everyone else I guess.

Those are just a few of the things. I do still drink wine, and in the evenings, I still have a bit of single malt Scotch once in awhile, but I've largely laid off martinis. Maybe I grew out of them. I learned an interesting tidbit on alcohol. Not only is it high in calories, but it also triggers a reaction in the body to stop burning fat. So it's a double whammy for weight gain. When I read that, my feeling was, "Screw that!"

The other thing I miss is having people over for dinner. Last Sunday, we had a few friends over for the first time since my operation last June. I still love doing it, but evenings can be a challenge for me, energy wise. So, we just have to plan it out a bit more. We prepare things that can be made ahead of time and serve things that don't take a lot of last minute preparation. Energy output done quickly just wipes me out. I guess I'm disappointed that I'm not bouncing back faster. I have to keep comparing where I am now to where I was a few months ago, so I can see progress.

Anyway, that's the update. I hope to write more soon.

POLITICS

According to Glenn Beck, every man, woman, and child owes $340,000 to pay for the current federal deficit. I can't stand Glen Beck because he makes my head hurt. BUT, I do love to color of his eyes. HOWEVER, he needs to learn to use MOISTURIZERS! As Vladimir Horowitz once said about the importance of "spontaneity" in performance, "...that's very important...". Well, it's very important to use moisturizers. In addition, what the hell is going on with his hair? I should stop listening to Fox News ("fair and balanced"), but I'm a curious creature so I can't help myself. So, I listen and then feel like a moron for listening to them. Final note... he has fairly good fashion sense, which probably means he has some gay man dressing him. Oh geez, let's not go there!

I've stopped tracking politics in general because 1) I'm generally disgusted with all of it and 2) I don't have the energy to worry about it anymore.

But I will say this... there's a big difference between the Republicans who sit back and complain about our debt and how great things used to be (even though they created a great deal of our debt on Iraq, the war of choice -- yes, I know they want to forget that and blame Obama, but it's the TRUTH, DAMN IT!), without offering any REAL solutions, and the Democrats... well, maybe there's not such a difference. I'm disgusted with both parties, which is probably why I stopped following politics in general. Which brings us to...

MAN TALK

Life is a strange thing. I guess I should give you some context. Kent is away for awhile. I go to work and do the best I can, but honestly, it's a struggle.

But I try to work within reality. WHAT IS REAL? Well, philosophers with many names have a lot to say about "What is Real?". I'm not that deep. I'm pretty much a meat and potatoes man. My goal is to just go to work, do the best I can, and try to get through the day on the energy that I have.

Today, I spoke to a coworker who went through some major health issues, as I have, in the last two years. He seemed to pick up on my demeanor I suppose. He kept telling me how long it takes to recover from surgery. He tells me things like, "Don't get discouraged.", "It can take up to two years to fully recover.". ok. I get it. Be patient.

But I'm not a patient person. Perhaps I'm trying too hard. Perhaps I have a higher expectation of myself than everyone else has. I've always been somewhat of a perfectionist. I've always tied to be the example in work ethic. But the truth is, I'm working very hard to maintain a very high bar in work ethics. My mental state is where the U.S. worker used to be in 1970.

But why do I need to do this? I've paid my dues. I've worked my butt off for years to get to where I am. I've enjoyed it. But the brutal truth is, with what I have now, I can't sustain that. I can't do what I did when I was 25 years old. Everyone at work understands that, except me. So, I'm used as a mental reservoir of knowledge because I've been there 23 years. That's fine I suppose. My time for physical involvement is over. So now, when I need a physical task done, I call another department and tell them what I need. Then, the 20 year old guys will come out and do what I'm no longer able to do. That's a hard one for me to get used to.

Finally, one of my coworkers and I were talking, in the men's restroom no less, issues with urinating. Yes, we were alone. There's a bit of humor here. I told him, "I'm standing at the urinal and doing my thing. This young guy comes in, and it sounds like Niagara Falls in the stall next to me. He finishes, washes his hands, and leaves. I'm left there finishing up. It seems to take forever". The man I was talking to understood this because he's three years older than me. He told me, "Don't compare yourself to others. Everyone is different."

Well, that is certainly true.

On June 5th, I went in for double bypass heart surgery. It would seem that I have the same condition that took my father's life way back in 1961. But in 2009, medical advances have made it possible to save my life.

What followed the operation was a long recovery that was painful and slow. But every single awful thing in life has a silver lining. In my case, that lining was made of gold. This is what came out of this experience I had...

1) I'm lucky to be alive. I thank my doctor for this who, on a hunch, sent me for tests that proved that I was not suffering from asthma, but something far more dangerous. If he had not done that, the specialists said that there was an 80% chance that I would be dead within three years.

2) I'm lucky to have had so much support during this time. Our parents (Kent's folks) have been amazing. They flew out to stay with us for two weeks after I was released from the hospital. Kent has been there the whole time. I have no idea how I would have made it through all of this without my family.

3) I'm not alone. Aside from my family, I received no less than 100 cards and several hundred emails wishing me the best during a difficult time.

The hard part now is to try to find myself again. My body is different, and it feels different. I still tire easily and there's only so much I can do in a day. Yes, it's VERY frustrating. But, I'm trying, and part of that is going to the gym. I'm trying for no less than three times a week, and hopefully more. It's hard to do because I see all around me these young guys who run for almost an hour hardly breaking a sweat. And here I am on my treadmill, walking fast with a slight incline for no more than 30 minutes with a maximum heart rate that can go no higher than 125. That's all. And after that's done, I'm pretty much out of energy for the rest of the day. I'm told that recovery takes a full year, so I guess by next summer I'll know what my permanent condition will be.

Kent leaves for South Africa again this coming Sunday. He will be gone for two and a half weeks. The last time he was in South Africa, he ended up coming home early so I could have my operation. This time, I'm a bit apprehensive at being home completely alone for that long, but this will be a test. I need to know I can do this.

So, life goes on and I'm happy to put 2009 behind us. It's been the worst year of my life, but that means 2010 will surely be better! And who knows, talk of marriage for us is in the works.

Finally, I want to offer congratulations to gay couples in New Hampshire. As of today, in their state, they are equal to straight couples in their state. As of today, gay couples in New Hampshire have access to marriage. Congrats guys and gals!

I have a lot to be thankful for this year. First and foremost, I'm alive. Life can change for any of us so fast. And most of us take life for granted. I know I won't do that anymore. I've been thinking about all the people this year who have been a big part of my life...

First and foremost, Kent. He is the most amazing human being I know. He was with me through all the bad stuff and continues to be an anchor for me since my operation in June. It hasn't been easy for us, but we've always had each other.

Mom and Dad. They came out last June to help us through everything. At the time I didn't want them to come, but I didn't realize what I was up against. I don't know what we would have done without them.

Austin, my friend who lives in Boston. When I had my angiogram, Kent was in South Africa for a month. Austin came down from Boston to take me to the hospital for the procedure. We have a very solid friendship, but I want him to know that I don't take his generosity for granted. It's good to have a friend you can count on.

Various people at work. I've received a lot of support from people at work. It's honestly been a surprise to me because I didn't think many people at work cared, but the outpouring of support from my coworkers, and especially my boss and management in general, has been overwhelming.

Dawn and Catherine, the RN's at my cardiac rehabilitation program. I thank them for being relentless in pushing me to get stronger. Each session is more difficult than the last and it's been grueling. But, it's paid off. I have more stamina now and probably am in better shape than before the operation.

All the people who sent me cards and well wishes during my recovery. There were hundreds of them - cards and emails. I kept them all to remind me that there are so many people who care.

Tomorrow, we will go to spend our Thanksgiving at Mystic, Connecticut. We stay at the Inn at Mystic, and will have dinner at the Flood Tide Restaurant. They make a great dinner, just like home cooking, and a lot less work. We always have a good time there. We'll come home on Friday and spend a quiet weekend together.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

Life can be very uncertain. I've become very aware of that this last year with my bypass operation. So, yesterday when I read about St. Francis Hospital in Hartford being put on a one year probation for multiple violations, I was stunned, because this is the same hospital I had my operation in.

But there's more. Here's a breakdown of the timeline:

May 18: Patient at St. Francis Hospital and Medical Center sustains brain injury following a "catastrophic" failure involving a pump used for cardiopulmonary bypass during heart surgery.

June 5: I have my bypass operation. There are always risks involved in any operation. But I did not know that the same pump that had the catastrophic failure had put back into operation just days after May 18, without any inspection, or report to authorities that it was back in operation. In other words, they could have used that same pump during my operation. That is the device that circulates the blood while your heart is stopped. It supplies oxygen to the blood as well. It is all that is keeping your body alive during the operation.

June 18: Patient dies.

July 2: St. Francis voluntarily suspends non-emergency cardiac surgeries at the recommendation of the state health department.

July: Suspension lifted after state determines the safety concerns had been corrected; investigation continues.

Thursday: State places St. Francis on probation for one year, citing numerous violations.

This is the formal document of probation issues against St. Francis.

It's hard for me to understand how things like this can happen at a well funded hospital like St. Francis. It's not like I chose them. In our area, when your general practitioner (your doctor) recommends testing, he will send you to whatever network he is associated with. I was sent to a cardiologist who happened to be associated with St. Francis, so that's where I was sent for the operation. If I wanted to go to Hartford Hospital (another hospital with a great reputation for heart bypass), I would have to request a different cardiologist.

It was strange at work yesterday. I had people come up to me and say, "My God Bill. When I read that article, I thought of you and how lucky that you are still with us." I am lucky. That guy that died could have been any of the bypass patients. Things can go wrong in any operation. The pump stopped in the middle of the operation. It can happen. But what I find unconscionable is the fact that they put the defective pump back into operation just a few days later, without repair, without inspection, without making a formal report.

HARTFORD - The surgery was supposed to repair the patient's heart, but more than five hours into the procedure, something went wrong -- a "catastrophic" failure of the pump meant to keep blood and oxygen flowing through the patient's body. The patient sustained a brain injury and died a month later.

But that wasn't the only thing that went wrong at St. Francis Hospital and Medical Center after the device failed, according to state health officials.

Under federal law and hospital policy, the hospital should have notified the federal government or the device manufacturer of the problem, but that did not happen, according to an investigation report by state regulators. Hospital policy called for the device to be impounded and for the director of clinical engineering to be notified without delay, but he wasn't told for more than two weeks, the report said. And, it stated, the device itself was put back into use within three to four days, even though it had not been examined by the required staff. [...]

Regulators also cited problems with hospital facilities, inadequate preventive maintenance of medical equipment, and a lack of evidence that staff evaluated the neurological signs of a patient who fell out of bed and sustained a head injury. The patient later died. (source)

I had an awesome appointment with my cardiologist this afternoon. He listened to my heart and lungs, and just said, "Ahh! WONDERFUL! STRONG!" He then asked me if I was working hard at getting back. I said, "You have no idea." He said, "I do have an idea. I can hear it."

I feel good right now!

This is from a conversation I had with Kent three days after my double bypass surgery. I guess it's kind of funny to read now, but I was so doped up with Oxycontin, Morphine, and Percocet, that I could hardly type.

Date: Mon Jun 08 06:21:51 PDT 2009
Subject: Chat with Bill

9:09 AM Kent: Hey are you there?

Bill: ues
yes

Kent: Do you feel like Skyping?

Bill: kind of
o dpm
i don't think do

Kent: OK
What about a phone call?

9:10 AM Bill: bad day oday
i ould do that

Kent: I'll call right now

Bill: but i can' find my pnone
i don't kno where it iw

9:11 AM Kent: it should be ringing

Bill: it's ringing but I can
't

Kent: can you hear it

Bill: reac it

Kent: OK
Let's just chat this way

Bill: this dau is fucked up

Kent: What's the problem?

9:12 AM Bill: lots of pain thi morning
and they put me on a lot more pain management

Kent: Worse than yesterday? I guess so probably, because you didn't
complain about it too much yesterday
9:13 AM More oxy?

Bill: oy ande eougle percocet

Kent: Ohh!
You must be pretty groggy!!!

9:14 AM Bill: o
,i'm, so tied

Kent: Well, maybe I should let you rest

Bill: i yhink do
can'g gtype

Kent: If you feel up to it, visit our website. I made a couple of posts
and you'll see some nice comments there

9:15 AM Bill: o vsm
y
i can't

Kent: Here's a link. Just click on it
http://billandkent.com

Bill: they have billandkent.com blocked bycause they find it objctionabl

Kent: Really?
Oy vey!

9:16 AM Bill: ypi
yes
i'll show ou when you dome in

Kent: Well, I'll print copies and bring them to you when we visit this afternoon

Bill: they are Catholic and I am a gay man

9:17 AM Kent: Something to blog about....
When you get out

Bill: i', m noy surprised

Kent: In fact, maybe I'll mention it now if you don't mind

Bill: o
9:18 AM i'll ssent you he imag of it

Kent: Sounds good. I'm making a post right now.

Bill: mayb uf u =i can fugure that out

9:19 AM Kent: command-shift-4 will let you capture an image. It will
save it to your desktop as "Picture 1.png"

9:20 AM Bill: just sent it
9:21 AM to your uconn account

Kent: Got it

Bill: se what I MQN/
9:22 AM i can't type

Kent: Yep. I'll print out the post and any comments before I come too
You take it easy
I'm going to let you rest
but I'll keep Google open in case you want to chat later
I love you

Bill: ok
you coming up later/

Kent: Yes
9:23 AM We'll be by early in the afternoon
Dad thinks he may be able to join us

Bill: OK. I'll try and ge here'
they hae crap planned

Kent: Well if you're not there, that probably means they'll have you
walking around the floor
9:24 AM Take it easy and rest

Bill: yup

Kent: We'll see you around 1:00pm
bye

Bill: pl
ok

My next session with my cardiac rehab program will be my last. I will be graduating. I've had 20 sessions (the program is a 36 session program), but insurance will only cover 20 sessions. I could continue to go use the equipment, but they can't wire me up to the computer because then it would be "on record" that I was there. That's ok if I square it with the hospital, but the insurance company will not cover it at all after this point.

So, I will probably just get on my own exercise program at this point: walking, hiking, etc. And maybe eventually I'll join a gym again when I think it's safe. My problem is keeping in my target heart rate range without overdoing it. I tend to push myself too hard, they tell me.

Work is different now. I'm more on a flex schedule and work as I can. I think my days of working in one continuous period of time are over for me. I would get to work around 7:00a.m. and work until 6:00p.m. or so, non-stop, except for enough time to rush out, buy a sandwich to go, and bring it back to work. I never took breaks, and I usually worked through lunch.

Now, I work at home here and there. When I'm at home, I'm usually online with work at 7:30a.m. or so, and will work until around 10. Then I lie down for 15 or so minutes, and work some more. Around 4:00, my stamina is pretty much gone, but I don't feel so bad about it really. Working at home is more concentrated work. You don't get interrupted, except by the occasional cat that needs attention. And, if the weather is nice, I will take a walk around the block for exercise. So now I'm incorporating more activity in my day. That's a good thing.

I think things are changing in America in a lot of ways. People are still losing jobs and more and more people are just doing what they can do to survive. It's a hard time for our country and I honestly don't think Washington, D.C. realizes what it's really like out in the real world. And those of us who still have jobs are somewhat in limbo. Our jobs are different now. We take up the slack of those who were let go, or, we eliminate entire functions in the job. We become leaner, except in what we eat.

And speaking of eating, it's time for me to get ready for dinner. We are going to Max Amore for dinner tonight. It's a nice restaurant, but I only eat lean these days.

You ever feel like you are stuck in a place, and can't get out of it? It can be a state of mind, or a physical place. I feel like that now. Physically, I guess I'm doing better. Cardiac Rehab is going along as it should be, I guess. Last Friday was the first time that they actually pushed me to keep my heart rate in that magical "target zone". Afterwards, I went to the restroom, changed into my business clothes, and went to work.

I'm trying to keep things normal, but it's all artificial to me. I still don't know my body anymore. It's like I'm outside looking at some man going through these motions. All the while, I'm thinking, "I could do that better.... faster.... stronger.... than him." Yet, it's no one else but me. I'm confronted with the reality that this stranger that I hardly know may be me for the rest of my life.

I should feel lucky, but I don't. I suppose I do feel lucky that my existence continues to be, that I literally go on. There's something to celebrate in that. The rest of my life remains the same: my home, my cats, Kent, work. Yet, it's as if this life belongs to someone else. This person who hurts every time I move, who has to be careful when he takes a walk as though he's an eighty year old man, is not me.

Today we went to Mashapaug Pond. Kent suggested that we go out to Rock Point, something that he wouldn't let me do until today. I wasn't sure about it either, but I did it. It took me forever, and I had to rest along the way, but I finished it. I thought to myself, "It's just like cardiac rehab.... one step ahead of the other." It was so nice to be outside again and actually going to a place that I love. It was both happy and sad for me.

I'm happy to be alive and able to do this again. I'm sad that I don't feel that I'm the same man that I used to be. Is this a case of male ego? I think it's more profound than that. It's my whole identity.

Our home is a colonial that has frames around the garage. Saturday I painted the frames again. It took me three hours, but I did it. Today, I could hardly move, and all through my chest, I felt like I had broken something. That's one reason I wanted to get out. I wanted to push ahead, as painful as it all is.

Onward....

After our Mashapaug hike, we went to Yankee Spirits up in Massachusetts. It's a very large liquor store that is open on Sunday. I treated myself to a bottle of 30 year old Pierre Ferrand Selection des Anges Cognac. It's one of the finer things in life that I afford myself from time to time. Life is to be enjoyed as much as possible. Don't you think?

It's a rough Monday morning today. I had a bad night with nightmares, waking up in a cold sweat, and feeling like I was going to have a panic attack.

And unlike most dreams where you don't remember them after you are awake, I remember everything of this dream; the end of the world; being a witness to a brutal murder and having to lay with the body and pretend to be dead so they wouldn't kill me also. That's what woke me up.

I threw the covers off and just started breathing deeply because I could feel a panic attack not far away. I was able to avert that and after twenty or so minutes while Kent was in the shower, I started feeling a bit better. I took a Motrin for my splitting headache, which seems to have helped. And then took my blood pressure reading: 149/103, heart rate 83 -- not so good.

I'm getting dressed not for cardiac rehab and hope that I won't be turned away because of the blood pressure reading. Afterward, I swing by my cardiologist's office to drop of the BP monitor that I wore this weekend. And then back home.

I'll work from home today as I can. At least the weather is nice in the mid 70's.