We are back from Yuma, Arizona and really enjoyed the warm weather there. It was around 75 most days and for the most part, sunny. Later in the week that we were there, we went to Ajo, Arizona, a sleepy little place that has little going for it. The people there are very poor and there's little there in terms of places to stay or eat. But, it's close to a place that we wanted to see, Organ Pipe National Monument.

Here are a few photos we took...

An organ pipe cactus

I've grown to like the beauty of the desert a great deal. And since my operation, I've become very sensitive to cold weather. I have less tolerance for it.

Health wise, I'm feeling good. I've lost about 50 pounds. My diet is completely different from the "old days" before my operation. I seem to be getting my energy back. I'm not quite like I was before, but I've reconciled myself with the fact that I may not get that back. As long as I pace myself, I'm fine. But gone are the days where I can put work first, and put in a twelve hour day without it having consequences.

The down side right now is that I have fluid in my right lung that seem to have the doctors more concerned than I am. I had to go in for another X-Ray today. They first noticed it before I went to Arizona. I had hoped that they dry air of Arizona would clear it up. But that didn't happen. It's not causing pain. I can breathe without effort. So what's the problem? Anyway, my doctor is consulting with my cardiologist who has stated that "the heart is involved" with this issue, whatever that means. And he is consulting with the cardiac surgeon about it. So, we'll see where it goes.

Other news... this issue of heart disease (took me a long time to come to terms with saying that I have heart disease) apparently runs in my family. I knew that. My father died of a heart attack when he was 47 years old back in 1961. Everyone attributed it to over work, but they didn't know much about it back then (keep in mind that this was in Emmett, Idaho).

But now, my brother is having issues. He's four years older than me. He's a veteran, so he's in the VA health care system. They flew him to Seattle to do an angiogram, just like me. And, they found that he has three blocked arteries and will have to go through a triple bypass. The difference is, he doesn't have the health that I did when I went in for bypass. That's about all I can say about it without violating his privacy. We've grown very close over the last few years and it's hard for me to see him go through this. I plan to go to Idaho again this summer, probably in June or July.

I admit, I just haven't felt like writing in awhile. I've come to realize that a lot more has changed about me then just the physical. I've lost a lot of weight (a good thing I suppose). People at work keep telling me, "I just can't believe how much weight you've lost." That's true. In total since my operation last June, 47 pounds. And I've moved from and extra large shirt to a large.

Stamina is still somewhat of an issue for me. Yesterday I was spending time with someone at work trying to figure out a problem on his computer. I had a lot of other things going on as well. So, I was under a bit of stress. We were both sitting at the work bench and I rested my head on my hand and took this big long sigh. He told me I looked tired. I told him, "Right now, it's a bit tough. I have to conserve my energy." I used to wonder how long this would continue, but that too is a part of me that has changed. Perhaps it's better just to list them out...

1. I don't take anything at all for granted now because I know it could all end in the blink of an eye. That means me. It's ok though. I'm happy and I've found the most important thing one can have in life: love. I have no regrets.
   
2. I don't live for my job any longer. Much of my responsibility has been outsourced. I'm sure the company did that to protect themselves as well. But, it's allowed me to do what I'm able to do without sacrificing my well being.
3. I've stopped worrying about when I will get more stamina back. It will happen when if happens. If it doesn't, I'll do what I can to keep what I have. I'm not going to worry about it. Why worry about something you have little control over? I'll try to build it up the best I can, and that will have to be good enough.
   
4. My focus is on my body. To that end, I've drastically cut back on drinking, especially hard liquor. It's been replaced by the likes of pomegranate juice, Greek yogurt (sounds gross, but I love the texture), coffee, no more soda, very little meat. In fact, I'm practically vegetarian now and strangely enough, I don't miss meat much. There are so many amazing recipes that are vegetarian.
   
5. Focus on blood levels. Last blood test was out of the park for low cholesterol. Doctor was impressed and I wasn't even trying to get the cholesterol low. I was just doing my normal everyday diet.
   
6. I'm very grateful that I have a job! I am happy they kept me through all of this. But, in this economy, who knows what will happen. I've stopped worrying about that because I cannot effect the outcome.
7. Stress not! If I'm confronted with too much stress, I take a time out and walk away. If someone starts getting under my skin at work and I feel my blood pressure rising, I turn right around and walk away from the situation. I'm in control.
8. Total loss of interest in politics or social issues. That includes groups that seem to like to take my money to support "our issues", but never get anything done. I think all politicians are self centered worthless beings who only care about their own self interests and getting reelected, which is why our government is no longer working.
9. FINALLY, a loss of interest in writing. It's not that I don't like to write, but it's not a priority any longer, but don't give up on me. I'm working on that. Perhaps smaller, but more frequent updates? Maybe it's depression. I have quite a bit of that going on lately, but it's not going to stop me. But, I still have my bad days like everyone else I guess.

Those are just a few of the things. I do still drink wine, and in the evenings, I still have a bit of single malt Scotch once in awhile, but I've largely laid off martinis. Maybe I grew out of them. I learned an interesting tidbit on alcohol. Not only is it high in calories, but it also triggers a reaction in the body to stop burning fat. So it's a double whammy for weight gain. When I read that, my feeling was, "Screw that!"

The other thing I miss is having people over for dinner. Last Sunday, we had a few friends over for the first time since my operation last June. I still love doing it, but evenings can be a challenge for me, energy wise. So, we just have to plan it out a bit more. We prepare things that can be made ahead of time and serve things that don't take a lot of last minute preparation. Energy output done quickly just wipes me out. I guess I'm disappointed that I'm not bouncing back faster. I have to keep comparing where I am now to where I was a few months ago, so I can see progress.

Anyway, that's the update. I hope to write more soon.

It's a beautiful day here, nice and sunny out. It's 17 degrees and not a cloud in the sky. The air is so clean. We just finished filling the bird feeders. This provides endless entertainment for our two cats.

This is what we have come to...
We woke up this morning, and got ready for breakfast. Kent called me yesterday to plan breakfast for the weekend. We usually eat at home, and weekend breakfasts have become kind of special to us because it's just the two of us here, and it's quiet time. We can relax and talk about our week and other things.

So, Kent planned to have bagels this morning, accompanied by low fat cream cheese (it's gotten so much better from a few years ago), capers, smoked salmon, fresh tomato, and red onion.

Sunday morning, we are going to make a frittata, that varies from time to time. We have this great frittata pan that never fails. Frittatas of course require eggs. While preparing the the ingredients for the bagels, Kent said, "Damn, I forgot to pick up eggs for the frittatas. I'll pick some up later today."

So here we are preparing breakfast. I get out the salmon and capers while he is busy slicing the tomato and onion. Then all the sudden he says, "Shit! I forgot to get the bagels." I followed, "What the hell is wrong with you? You forget the eggs, and now the bagels?!?!" It sounds awful in writing, but it was said with a smile on my face, and a great deal of love. We sound like an old married couple. You should hear us in the grocery store.

So as I write this, breakfast is on hold, and I'm waiting for him to get home with the required ingredients for these two wonderful breakfasts.

Growing older makes for more interesting events. I can't wait for the day that we look down and ask, "What the hell is that for?" It's like going back to being a baby boy again.

I haven't posted for awhile. The fact is, I've been sick. When you are sick, it's really hard to get motivated about anything. Kent has been gone for the last two and a half weeks to South Africa. I concentrated on work. But the evenings were lonely. Two and a half weeks is longer than you think, especially when you are going to bed at 8:00 every night just completely exhausted.

But I'm feeling a bit better now, and Kent got home last night. So I'm getting life back on track.

There's so many things that I've wanted to write about, but somehow life got in the way. I wanted to write about the hideous message written by The Observer, the student newspaper from Notre Dame University. It was a take off of a really bad and homophobic joke that went something like... "What is the easiest way to turn a fruit into a vegetable? With AIDS." But then the staff decided that it wasn't nice to make fun of a "fatal disease". So they took out the AIDS reference and said, "How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? With a baseball bat."

I've thought about writing about it, but a few things came to mind. One is that I'm really quite amazed that 30 years after AIDS hit the gay community so hard, that it's still considered by some to be funny. Even Bob Hope made jokes about gay people dying of AIDS. I suppose awareness has reached a high by the staff of The Observer, who came to the conclusion that just maybe it's not "ok" to make fun of a "fatal disease".

So, after this was published, all hell broke loose, and the editor of the paper ended up resigning. Fine. Whatever it takes for the Catholic University to save face right? But it's not right. Notre Dame has not yet come out and spoke out against it. Not really. The President of the university made a weak statement, and that was it. The Observer has apologized. You can read more about it here if you'd like.

At any rate, I no longer have the energy or time to waste on worthless people who have nothing else better to do than inflict pain on others.

Then, I read about the win of Scott Brown in Massachusetts to the U.S. Senate. I have mixed feelings about this. First off, the Democrats are solely responsible for this. They've dropped the ball on so many things. It seems that all they can do if fight amongst themselves without solving anything. Meanwhile, Scott Brown wins. The Democrats don't need an enemy. They have one in themselves. The health care issue should have been put to rest six months ago, and the President should be talking about JOBS now.

And here we have Scott Brown, someone who has voted for a state constitutional amendment against same sex marriage in Massachusetts twice, who said that two women who have a child is "not normal", and who has stated that he would be for a national constitutional amendment against gay marriage." The list goes on.

And for all the gay folks who voted for Scott Brown in Massachusetts, I understand you. I'm frustrated too. What I don't understand is how can you vote for someone who would strip you of your rights? I just don't understand that. I understand that there are other issues to attend to and that gay equality is just one of many, but I'm talking about the core of your identity. You can say that it's just one aspect of you. I agree with that. But, will you still be able to say that when it is enshrined in The Constitution of the United States that you are a second class citizen? Something to think about.

The rest of politics mean nothing to me because I realize now that things will go on one way or the other. This country will either rise and become great again (not looking good), or we will become bankrupt and without one shred of principle that The Constitution holds within it. This is quite beyond my control.

So, my days consist of going to work, coming home, spending time with my cats and family, and watching my favorite shows on TV. I know, not very exciting, but I'm just being honest.

I can't wait for Spring to get here.

On June 5th, I went in for double bypass heart surgery. It would seem that I have the same condition that took my father's life way back in 1961. But in 2009, medical advances have made it possible to save my life.

What followed the operation was a long recovery that was painful and slow. But every single awful thing in life has a silver lining. In my case, that lining was made of gold. This is what came out of this experience I had...

1) I'm lucky to be alive. I thank my doctor for this who, on a hunch, sent me for tests that proved that I was not suffering from asthma, but something far more dangerous. If he had not done that, the specialists said that there was an 80% chance that I would be dead within three years.

2) I'm lucky to have had so much support during this time. Our parents (Kent's folks) have been amazing. They flew out to stay with us for two weeks after I was released from the hospital. Kent has been there the whole time. I have no idea how I would have made it through all of this without my family.

3) I'm not alone. Aside from my family, I received no less than 100 cards and several hundred emails wishing me the best during a difficult time.

The hard part now is to try to find myself again. My body is different, and it feels different. I still tire easily and there's only so much I can do in a day. Yes, it's VERY frustrating. But, I'm trying, and part of that is going to the gym. I'm trying for no less than three times a week, and hopefully more. It's hard to do because I see all around me these young guys who run for almost an hour hardly breaking a sweat. And here I am on my treadmill, walking fast with a slight incline for no more than 30 minutes with a maximum heart rate that can go no higher than 125. That's all. And after that's done, I'm pretty much out of energy for the rest of the day. I'm told that recovery takes a full year, so I guess by next summer I'll know what my permanent condition will be.

Kent leaves for South Africa again this coming Sunday. He will be gone for two and a half weeks. The last time he was in South Africa, he ended up coming home early so I could have my operation. This time, I'm a bit apprehensive at being home completely alone for that long, but this will be a test. I need to know I can do this.

So, life goes on and I'm happy to put 2009 behind us. It's been the worst year of my life, but that means 2010 will surely be better! And who knows, talk of marriage for us is in the works.

Finally, I want to offer congratulations to gay couples in New Hampshire. As of today, in their state, they are equal to straight couples in their state. As of today, gay couples in New Hampshire have access to marriage. Congrats guys and gals!

Our back yard this morning...

I have a lot to be thankful for this year. First and foremost, I'm alive. Life can change for any of us so fast. And most of us take life for granted. I know I won't do that anymore. I've been thinking about all the people this year who have been a big part of my life...

First and foremost, Kent. He is the most amazing human being I know. He was with me through all the bad stuff and continues to be an anchor for me since my operation in June. It hasn't been easy for us, but we've always had each other.

Mom and Dad. They came out last June to help us through everything. At the time I didn't want them to come, but I didn't realize what I was up against. I don't know what we would have done without them.

Austin, my friend who lives in Boston. When I had my angiogram, Kent was in South Africa for a month. Austin came down from Boston to take me to the hospital for the procedure. We have a very solid friendship, but I want him to know that I don't take his generosity for granted. It's good to have a friend you can count on.

Various people at work. I've received a lot of support from people at work. It's honestly been a surprise to me because I didn't think many people at work cared, but the outpouring of support from my coworkers, and especially my boss and management in general, has been overwhelming.

Dawn and Catherine, the RN's at my cardiac rehabilitation program. I thank them for being relentless in pushing me to get stronger. Each session is more difficult than the last and it's been grueling. But, it's paid off. I have more stamina now and probably am in better shape than before the operation.

All the people who sent me cards and well wishes during my recovery. There were hundreds of them - cards and emails. I kept them all to remind me that there are so many people who care.

Tomorrow, we will go to spend our Thanksgiving at Mystic, Connecticut. We stay at the Inn at Mystic, and will have dinner at the Flood Tide Restaurant. They make a great dinner, just like home cooking, and a lot less work. We always have a good time there. We'll come home on Friday and spend a quiet weekend together.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

I can always tell when the College of Idaho calls for their fundraiser. They will call and the caller ID will say "C of I". I don't answer. Then, no more than one minute later, another phone call comes through. I presume the first one was for me. The second call I presume is for Kent.

I never answer. It's not because I don't like my former college. In fact, I have very fond memories of my college. It's all a matter of respect.

I respect that they have given me an education. I respect that there are a lot of experiences in my life that in indirect ways, the college has had an impact on. I respect that they have given me the foundation of the life I have today.

But they do not respect my life that I have with Kent. They respect me... to a point. And that point is what they want me to be, meets, what I am. Fantasy versus reality. It is as wide as an ocean.

To this day, they have done nothing for gay students at the College of Idaho. They do have a Gay, Straight Campus Alliance, under which it states:

The Gay, Straight Campus Alliance organization will serve to support, educate and promote issues for the student body. In order to do this, the Gay, Straight Campus Alliance will discuss relevant topics, have guest speakers and work with other Treasure Valley organizations.

That's a start, but a Gay, Straight Campus Alliance is more than just having guest speakers that come in occasionally. Being a gay friendly campus is having an actual physical place that you can actually go to and talk with someone about issues you may be having, such as alienation, depression, rejection from friends and family. In other words, all the things that can happen when you are coming out. Many young people come out in college, especially if they come from a place that is not so accepting to gay people.

Someday, perhaps, there will be truth that will shine through to people who don't want to acknowledge the existence of others who don't fall into their small view of the world. I guess we can hope. Until that time, I will continue to ignore the calls from people of lesser vision.

It's always nice to get home. When we unpacked, we had some surprises. I guess we forgot our phone chargers (no big deal), and my exercise watch that syncs up to my chest strap to monitor heart rate (big deal), and Kent's chest strap for his Garmin unit that measures a lot more than mine (another big deal). Those will be expensive to replace I suppose. I think they were in the folds of the bedspread and just got overlooked. We have the hotel staff looking into it, but you know how that goes. We will probably never hear from them.

Other than that hick up, it was really a nice trip. It was the first trip since my bypass operation, and marked another milestone in my recovery; independence. On the last day, I took a taxi to the Lincoln Memorial, walked from there to the Vietnam Memorial, walked to the World War II memorial that I had not seen before in it's finished form, and from there to the Holocaust Museum, and on to the Jefferson Memorial. In all, I'd say 5-6 miles of walking! That's a lot for me.

That night we went to dinner and on the way back decided to walk back to the hotel, which was only five blocks. But after two blocks, I had to stop every block, grab hold of something, and just catch my breath and slow things down a bit. I had exhausted all my allotted energy for the day. I'm glad I don't do that too often.

And now, I face a mountain of work at my job, right after my cardiac rehab class this morning. I have nine more sessions to go and I officially graduate. After that, I'm declared rehabilitated, aside from having to see the cardiologist ever so often, but I can live with that. And of course, exercise every day.

I'm off to my class. Have a nice day!

It amazes me how one single event in a person's life can alter the priority list for that person. We all have priority lists; what is the most important thing to you, and the least important. And between those two extremes, are all the things that we do in our daily lives.

Take me for example. I used to love blogging and talking (bitching) about social issues. I still love blogging when I have time and feel up to it, but social issues have really dropped on my list of priorities. It's not like I'm in a lot of pain anymore, and my progress with my cardiac rehab program is going well. In fact, in the last week, after months of really hard work, I can finally measure that I have a bit more stamina at the end of the day. Today, I see my cardiologist. After that, I will go home, and it's entirely possible that I will feel up to taking a nice long, fast-paced walk after I get home. And all of this after I took my cardiac rehab class this morning, and worked most of the day. A month ago, when I got home after all of that, I would have been wiped out. So, I see progress.

But I've also noticed that what is important to me has shifted. It's as if I'm looking at the world now through different eyes. I'm online less now with the social networks. I suppose I should care about the social issues more. I am an activist after all. But somehow, my heart just isn't in it (no pun intended). I think some of that has to do with our society as a whole right now. We seem much more disconnected with each other and much more withdrawn individually. Perhaps that's because so many of us face a less predictable future with jobs and health care in general. With me, I think it's few things.

First and foremost, I could have died. That was a wake up call to me of all the things I took for granted and just how easily life can go out with the blink of an eye. Life is so fragile. I'm lucky. I have a doctor who picked up on warning signs that many doctors would have missed. Also, so much life can simply be missed by being angry at how society looks at you because of the color of your skin, your sexuality, or any other thing about you that is different. I'm tired of being angry because I don't have that luxury any more. Nor should I. The world will do what the world is going to do whether I like it or not, with or without me.

That being said, I am happy about the hate crimes bill that is now on it's way to the President for his signature. This was years in the making, and even today, there are many in Congress who wanted it to be it's own bill so it would die again. But this time, it's attached to the defense funding bill, and that has many on Capitol Hill bitching and moaning that they are being forced to pass a bill that will collect statistics and add time to sentencing if you beat up or kill a gay, lesbian, or transgendered person. In other words, we are no longer invisible. They now have to acknowledge that hate crimes are actually something that a large part of my community fear and have had to live with for a very long time. I also have hope that progress can be made on Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and the Defense of Marriage Act. Both of them should be abolished, and my hope is that will happen sometime in the next 3 years.

But happen or not, I think about myself and my family now first and foremost. Everything else is gravy. If that makes me a selfish bastard, I can live with that. I've paid my dues and I've done my fair share of marches and protests.