Our Family: August 2003 Archives

I didn't write anything yesterday. I didn't write because I was feeling a sense of mourning and loss. Yesterday marked the third anniversary of our loss of Sasha. We are sad. When I speak of either Brennan (left us on November 7, 1999) or Sasha, I can now speak for a minute or two before I feel the grief of their loss. I feel a lump in my throat, and have to stop. For this reason, I avoid it. I rarely talk about them because it hurts too damn much. To this day, there are times when I will be doing something around the house and I will remember them.

One of the things most endearing to Sasha was her sense of loving her family. She was very protective of us. When it got to be 9:30 at night, she thought it was time that we all go to bed. I would typically be working on the computer, and she would come in to tell me it was time to sign off. Of course, I would humor her and tell her "just a few more minutes...". She was happy with that and went away. A few more minutes turned into ten minutes before I knew it. Suddenly, she came into the room and chewed me out royally for taking too much time. I would have to sign off right then and there with her watching me. She then escorted me to bed.

I'm sure that seems like a funny story to you, and it is. But, what seemed funny and charming at the time is what hurts most now. After she left us, I missed terribly that no one was telling me when it was time to go to bed. As with anything else in life, she became comfortable to have around and I took her presence for granted.

When she went in to see a kidney specialist, I thought we had more time together. I kissed her on the forehead and said "Be brave. I'll see you soon". Be brave? Where the hell did that come from? How stupid. Why didn't I take her in my arms and say goodbye to her? I'm full of regret. I can't relive this even now, and I'm starting to cry. Enough.

I have pictures around my home of them and in that sense they are still with us. I still feel the deep sense of loss. I have said to myself since they left that time would make it better. It has to some extent. But I now know that the sense of loss and grief will never go away. It will dull with time and I will become accustomed to it. It will never come to a point that I don't feel hurt.

We miss you like hell Sasha. We love you so much. Your family.