Our Family: September 2003 Archives

This weekend has moved somewhat at a slow pace for me. We went to Monet's Table Saturday morning. It was as nice as it always is. They have great coffee! We came home to find that the clothes I ordered had come, and just in time for our trip to NYC. We are going to see a friend who will be there on Friday, Sept. 26th. We are having dinner at this great place on 44th street called db Bistro Moderne.

She leave the next morning, which gives Kent and me the entire day on Saturday to run around NYC!! We aren't sure quite yet what we will be doing during the day, but it will take in some museums and exhibits for sure. I'd also like to go to the World Trade Center and pay my respects.

Saturday evening, we are going to see the Blue Man Group. That was an idea from a co-worker. It sounded interesting to us, because it's not something that we would have chosen on our own.

We are also looking at buying the season series of the Orpheus Chamber Orchestra at Carnegie Hall. I've known about them for years but recently on my way home from work, I heard them on the radio performing the Water Music of Handel. Ordinarily, I don't get too excited over Handel. He's not one of my favorite composers. I should qualify that. I hardly ever hear anyone do justice to his compositions. I suppose partly because people don't really understand how to perform them, and they are just very difficult to do well. I remember performing the Water Music in a small chamber orchestra when I was playing. The music made me uneasy because it is so exposed. Everything has to be perfectly placed. The Orpheus does an absolutely magnificent job of this work. In fact, when I got home, I immediately got online and ordered it! That's the biggest complement I can pay. That and the fact that I now want to go to their series at Carnegie Hall.

The Connecticut PRIDE festival on Sunday was somewhat of a disappointment for me. I expected a larger turnout. It was held in Riverfront Plaza in Hartford. I parked in East Hartford and took the comfortable walk across the Founder's Bridge crossing the Connecticut River. The plaza was a nice place to hold the festival, but with the rain, only about 300-350 people attended. I stayed for about an hour, and left. I'm sure the weather played a large part of the poor attendance. It was misting off and on and threatening to let loose at any moment.

This morning we went to a diner for breakfast. Afterwards we decided to stop by Best Buy to take a look at the notebook computers. I've been thinking of getting one for awhile now. You know, it's just hell having to sit at my desk writing all this stuff, when I could be in front of my TV writing about it, while relaxing in my big poofy blue chair.

After looking at the options, I decided that I liked the Sony Vaio (picture at left). After looking at them, I thought that it sure would be nice to be able to write and surf while I'm in NYC. After not-so-much deliberation, we decided to buy it. My exact model is here. It's simply amazing what one can talk oneself into. It's suppose to arrive Thursday.

We all need a lazy Saturday once in awhile. Last night I went to the gym and worked out like there was no tomorrow. Today, I'm taking it slow. I started the day off by going to my favorite brunch place, Monet's Table. Then I came home, went out on the deck and tried to catch up on my reading. That is, before I feel asleep. I woke up an hour and a half later. Now that's my idea of a lazy Saturday!

As most of you know, one of my hobbies is photography. Like anything else, you get better at it the more you do it. The photo at the left is me with one of my best friends, Maxwell, helping me make one of my log entries (I'm the one on the right - Maxwell is dressed in traditional, yet classy black). His help is invaluable, although the log entries do tend to take three times longer to post than when I'm by myself. To see an enlargement, just click on the photo, if you're so inclined.

I just put together some chicken salad for sandwiches, and am working on a pasta salad. This is all in preparation for a picnic that Kent and I are taking tomorrow (shhhh, he doesn't know about it yet... you know, part of that "romance" thing I'm working on). He's on his way home now from Washington, D.C. I thought that we would go on a hike tomorrow since the weather is suppose to be wonderful, and we would have a picnic lunch.

I hope you are all having as nice a day as I am.

I'm taking a much needed day off from work. Kent is in Washington, D.C. until tomorrow night, so the next two days are mine.

For the first time in many years, I have the opportunity of going back to my home state of Idaho for a visit. I have mixed emotions concerning this. Most all of my memories of Idaho are negative memories. I've long since put that behind me, and have built a great life for myself. I have managed to become the person that I want to be, and I have put all of the baggage of Idaho behind me. I hold no resentment towards Idaho, and it took me a long time to let that go.

I grew up in Emmett, Idaho. When I was there, it was a small town of around 5,000 people. It has grown by leaps and bounds I'm told. My brother, who keeps trying to get me back for a visit tells me that I wouldn't recognize the place. I have no intentions of visiting Emmett if I go back to Idaho. The memories of that place are horrible to me. As far as I'm concerned, Emmett could fall off the map and I would loose no sleep over it. I will stay in Boise and visit friends there, and visit my brother in Caldwell.

Caldwell is where I "escaped" to when I left Emmett. That is where I went to college at the College of Idaho (now known as the Albertson College of Idaho. College was an interesting time for me. Looking back on it, I was a pretty messed up kid. I was scared, unsure of myself, and I had just come out of the worst year of my life in my senior year in high school. I was sure that if anyone found out my secret of being gay, I would at best be totally shunned and rejected from my new community, and at worst, be injured or killed. I know that some of you reading this probably think that it was a gross exaggeration, but maybe not. Remember what happened to Matthew Sheppard back in 1998 in Wyoming (a neighboring state to Idaho)?

So, I did the best I could, but I was so full of anger. The worse part of it was that I couldn't tell anyone why I was so angry. I hated everything but most of all, I hated myself. I hated what I was and I was convinced that somehow, it was my fault for what had happened to me in Emmett. I probably missed many opportunities in college to meet new friends because I always watched what I said, and I never let anyone get very close to me.

My mother had separated from my step father in my sophomore year in high school. My grandmother lived with her. They would want me to visit them on the weekends when I could get away from college. Emmett was only 30 miles away, but to me it was like crossing an ocean. I never wanted to go back, even to visit my mother. I would actually break down in tears trying to talk myself into going back for a visit. When I did drive home to Emmett, I would take back country roads to avoid town for fear that those who tormented me in high school would not see me. I would sneak in to visit mom, stay a few hours, and go back to the safety of Caldwell. This continued during the rest of college.

They say that college years are the best time of your life. Maybe for some. For me, my best time in life is right now. I'm extremely happy now. I have the most wonderful man in the whole world. He is a saint. There is no one I respect more than Kent. He stayed with me in college when I wasn't pleasant to be around. I don't know why he did, but I'm grateful that he at least saw something worth staying for that I couldn't see.

Over time, I worked on building up my self esteem and realized that I wasn't the one who was messed up. It was a society filled with prejudice and hate that I had to cope with. I now realize that life is a game of balance. Everything balances out. For what I went through then, now is my time to blossom.

I will go back to Idaho to visit. The difference now is that I'm not the same person I was. I'm armed with tools I never had then. Mostly, I know who I am. I don't waste time on small people with small-minded prejudices. That's no longer my problem. I have shed it from my worries. I won't attend a church with a self-righteous pastor who is a bigot, because I know who I am and I now know that he is wrong. We all grow up with so much baggage that is put on us from the time of our earliest memories. We all have these things. Being happy later in life means letting much of that go and getting rid of the weight.

I have forgiven the people of my youth who made my life so difficult. I had to. With that baggage, I couldn't move beyond it and grow, and I didn't want to become a person consumed with bitterness. In a way, it's made me stronger and more compassionate. This visit to Idaho will probably be my last time. I'm anxious to see those I haven't talked to in such a long time and to put Idaho where it belongs - in my past.