Our Family: October 2006 Archives

I’m feeling a bit broken hearted today. I’m not sure what to do.

I’ve been fighting most of my life for one thing or another. Life is like that for some people, I’ve noticed. I happen to be one of them. In my life time, I have survived violence - being done to me from gay bashers, and also from my father-in-law. I have fought to put hate crime laws on the books in Connecticut, and we were successful in doing that. I have fought to put an anti-discrimination law on the books in Connecticut to protect the rights of gay citizens, and we were successful in doing that.

And in my family, I have exposed myself spiritually and emotionally for all to see. I have been painfully open about myself, about my family, and the love that exists inside my home. But it would seem to be lost. Or perhaps, it’s not seen as something worthy? For 31 years, I have endured endless torment because I happen to be the wrong sex for my partner. I have had to endure this because it comes from those who I cannot escape -- my own family. And yet, over time, I have somehow in my own mind convinced myself that they understood. That they loved me. That they accepted me.

One week from today, Idaho, my home state, will pass a state constitutional amendment making it illegal for people like me to enter into a “marriage”, a “civil union”, or a “domestic partnership”. After it is passed, there will be no legal recognition what so ever of gay relationships -- no legal protections -- no recognition of love -- nothing. But, “marriage” will be saved from the likes of me. I honestly think it would be less painful to just take us out behind the barn and shoot us.

And, the family that I thought I had... will vote for this constitutional amendment, to keep marriage out of the hands of people like us. My family.

I’m simply lost. With so many road blocks, is life something you do until you die? If something happens to one of us, do I simply have to rely on the kindness and generosity of strangers in the hospital or the morgue to allow me some form of dignity? I don’t have answers to these questions. But I can now understand how so many gay people have little regard for relationships, when society is doing everything in it’s power to prevent them from happening.

I’m leaving for awhile. Actually, I don’t know if I will write anymore. I don’t know if this site has any more life in it. I need to find myself again and re-prioritize my life a bit. Perhaps I wanted a family so bad, that I convinced myself that I had a family who loved me? I’m not a handsome man, but I shine inside. I try to live a dignified and truthful life. Maybe that’s just not enough.

If you can’t count on your family to at least support you in obtaining practical legal protections just to try to be happy, what else is left?

I have of late--but wherefore I know not--lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercises; and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory, this most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o’erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire, why, it appears no other thing to me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours. What a piece of work is a man! how noble in reason! how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how express and admirable! in action how like an angel! in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the world! the paragon of animals!

And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust?