Our Family: August 2007 Archives

A few years ago, Kent and I visited our town clerk, Ms. Cyr, in an attempt to get a marriage license. We were refused. This was before the Civil Union law went into effect. So now, we are asking for cemetery plots next to each other.

Before you go jumping to conclusions, we are both in perfect health. It’s just that, I don’t want to put this off and have to make these decisions when I am in not-such-good health, and able to deal with these issues. So, I want to get it out of the way. After this is done, we finally have to update our will to reflect this, or to give a funeral home authorization to act according to our wishes.

I urge other partners to do this as well. Do not assume that your wishes will be carried out. In looking at the readings of the so called marriage laws in our state, even though the state now allows Civil Unions, the statutes go out of their way to state that the State will not in any way shape or form, “condone homosexuality”. Does buying plots next to each other and stating that we were spouses do that? I would say so.

So, I sent this letter to the Town Clerk of Coventry.

Dear Ms. Cyr:

A few years ago, my partner and I came to your office to apply for a marriage license, if you remember. Being of the same sex, we were refused the license. Well, now we would like to buy a cemetery plot together and be buried next to each other. Perhaps in death, we can be at least be treated with the dignity that we are spouses (and please spare me any talk of “civil unions” - they aren’t equal to marriage, and I think we both know that). I’m assumed that there are no laws that state that we can’t be buried next to each other. But then I read the marriage statutes on the Coventry website.

After reading the marriage statutes (for a man and a woman only) posted on your site, that end with an elaborate declaration that homosexuality isn’t to be condoned in any way shape or form, it is prudent for me to ask the question; can we buy plots next to each other? In addition, are there state laws that prohibit us from stating on our plot markers that we were spouses? After all, wouldn’t that be “condoning homosexuality”? The State declaration reads in part:

“Nothing in sections ...... shall be deemed or construed (1) to mean the State of Connecticut condones homosexuality or bisexuality or any equivalent lifestyle, (2) to authorize the promotion of homosexuality or bisexuality in educational institutions or require the teaching in educational institutions of homosexuality or bisexuality as an acceptable lifestyle, (3) to authorize or permit the use of numerical goals or quotas, or other types of affirmative action programs, with respect to homosexuality or bisexuality in the administration or enforcement of the provisions of sections ..... , (4) to authorize the recognition of or the right of marriage between persons of the same sex, or (5) to establish sexual orientation as a specific or separate cultural classification in society.”

Yes I know, that is stated at the end of the marriage license section (more specifically, on the Coventry website, you term the link as “MARRIAGE LAWS OF CONNECTICUT”), but it speaks for the entire State of Connecticut, without regards to marriage. What on earth do educational institutions have to do with marriage? The wording is broad, so my questions are valid.

Assuming there are no laws that state that two people of the same sex, who are spiritually married, being buried next to each other doesn’t in some way “condone homosexuality”, we would like to purchase a plot for the two of us. We are interested in the cemetery on Grant Road. I don’t know the name of the cemetery, but we are hoping that you can help us with that and, if you aren’t the person we should be talking to, who that person would be.

Please let me know.

Our next step is to talk to a funeral director to make the arrangements and, since we will not degrade our relationship with a “civil union”, hopefully, he/she will be able to make our wishes in this come true, without of course, “condoning homosexuality.”

Sincerely,

Bill Cannon

I’ll let you know what she says.

THEN
I haven’t posted recently because my life has been changing a great deal over the last six weeks. Some good, some bad. That’s the way life is.

First, the bad, because I don’t want to end this update on a sour note... I had a complete change in staff at work. All in all, not a bad thing. For those of you who don’t know what I do, I run an IT department for a mid-size company in Connecticut. It’s not that I’m bitter about people leaving. People leave companies all the time. So yes, I do understand that. And, people leave for better opportunities all the time -- nothing wrong with that, and I understand that.

I try to take care of the guys who work for me to every extent that I can. I don’t watch the clock to see when they are at work. If they are late, never once have I questioned it. I trust them to do their jobs. I don’t baby sit the staff in my department. If someone needs a lot of attention, I’m probably not the manager to work for. In short, I give them all the space they need to grow. And eventually, I know they will leave.

It’s not that they left that has left a bitter taste in my mouth. It’s the way it all happened. Pretty much, within a three week period, they were gone, each after spending years in my department. Now, much of that is timing. It was not a conspiracy to exit all at once. It just happened that way. So why do I feel sour about this?

I’ve thought a lot about it. One person who left said that he would call me within a couple of weeks to have lunch. Do you think he called? Nope. I know... this is my baggage. I thought of him like a brother. The bottom line is, I suppose I should start thinking of people who work for me as other managers do; a commodity and nothing more. Don’t think of them as people because most likely, in the end, the favor won’t be returned. It’s extraordinary that the movie Ordinary People came out in 1980, and of all the lines in the movie, one sticks out vividly. The father is a stock broker. His wife just left him and he’s sitting outside in their back yard. His son, who was going through a lot of mental anguish from his past, tries to comfort his father. His father turns to his son and says, “Well, don’t put too much stock in people. They’ll disappoint you.” I thought at the time how much he was hurting, and full of disappointment. Well, that’s how I feel now.

So, I’ve withdrawn from blogging so I can form a brand new department. But I look at people who work for me a bit differently now. And, I look at people in general differently. You see, I am a very giving person. I care for people, obviously to a fault. People tell me I have a big heart. It’s true, I do. But where has it gotten me? I’ve come to realize that people are the most self serving animals on the face of this planet. And I’m not actually sure anymore that it’s possible to even have a “friend” at work.

So, I’ve been working on average about 14 hours a day and forcing myself to take weekends off. But on the weekends, I find myself tired, withdrawn, and depressed half the time. So all of that is the bad news, I suppose.

NOW
The good news is, I am getting to a point that I have a functional department again, so I am able to put in fewer hours. And next weekend, I’m seriously thinking of going to the Newport, RI area for a photo outing. I’m not sure where I’ll end up, but it will be the first long weekend that I’ve had in a very long time.

NEW TOYS!
Today, I’m going to go for a hike with Kent and spend some time together. It’s beautiful out and we need time together.

When my Nikon D200 was in the shop, I purchased a DVD on it that was highly rated. I thought I knew my camera well, but this DVD showed me things that just blew me away. More on that later, along with the new toys that I purchased yesterday. No, not those kind of toys. Get your head out of the gutter!

Yes, I still talk to Sasha just about every day, right along with Brennan.

As long as I breathe, I’ll never forget you two.

From two years ago