General: October 2007 Archives

Slowly but unmistakably, gay culture is ending. You see it beyond the poignant transformation of P-town: on the streets of the big cities, on university campuses, in the suburbs where gay couples have settled, and in the entrails of the Internet. In fact, it is beginning to dawn on many that the very concept of gay culture may one day disappear altogether. By that, I do not mean that homosexual men and lesbians will not exist--or that they won’t create a community of sorts and a culture that sets them in some ways apart. I mean simply that what encompasses gay culture itself will expand into such a diverse set of subcultures that “gayness” alone will cease to tell you very much about any individual. The distinction between gay and straight culture will become so blurred, so fractured, and so intermingled that it may become more helpful not to examine them separately at all. (source)

Isn’t this what we want? Gay culture existed simply because society labeled us as “gay” or “queer”, along with many other names, to separate us. And we in turn, separated and splintered off from the rest of society. In many parts of the country, this is still very much the case. But in some parts of the country, such as Connecticut and Massachusetts, it’s much less so. I no longer feel a need to be anything other than myself. I’m no longer gay. I’m a person who is many things, and one of those things that’s not very high on my list, is being gay. The reason it’s not high on my list is precisely because it’s not very high on the list of my state. Connecticut has said that gay citizens are equal (aside from denying us marriage). We are protected in our jobs, and against hate crimes. So I don’t have to spend time worrying about all of that stuff. I can feel more a part of society. Surely most gay people would think this is a good thing. I remember when I was gay first, and I also remember that life sucked when I had to do that because my world was very small. I had to watch what I said to people, especially about my personal life. Now, either I don’t feel the need to do that anymore, or I’ve become so comfortable in my skin that I just don’t care anymore what people think. I think it’s more the latter.

Now, there is only one issue that I deal with. I’ve moved on from the marriage issue. I’ve had to at least try to let it go. But you see, the problem is, marriage is still the area in society where we are still queer. And, it’s the one place that society uses to keep us separated. Marriage is doing to us today what the gay ghetto did to us yesterday. The only difference is that one was geography and one is a state of mind. And it’s powerful.

A dear friend of mine recently got married. I very much wanted to be there for her. I simply could not bring myself to do that. I wish her all the happiness in the world, but I can not give my blessing to something that has become so utterly painful for me to endure. I’ve boycotted other weddings as well, and, I’m not alone.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married this summer to my fiancée of five years, “Beth.” I had always assumed that my brother, “Mike,” who is also my best friend, would be my best man. Mike is gay.

When I asked him, I was stunned at his response. Mike said he loves me and Beth, but refuses to be part of a ceremony celebrating something for which he is discriminated against emotionally, financially and socially. He refuses even to attend.

Now that I have been forced to confront this issue, I realize my brother is right. Beth thinks he should “get over it,” and he needs to accept that it’s just “the way things are in the world.”

As hurt as I am, I can’t hold against my brother his refusal to participate in what he refers to as a “reminder that he is considered a second-class citizen without the same civil rights” as I have.

How can I handle this without turning it into something that could overshadow what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life? -- DISAPPOINTED IN WESTLAKE, OHIO

That’s exactly how I feel every damn time I get a wedding announcement in the mail. First, it’s a reminder that I am considered a second-class citizen with every word on the announcement. Then, I go through the feeling of, “How dare they send something so absolutely thoughtless to me?” Then, I go through the guilt of not being there for them.

I understand that they are happy and want to include us in the celebration. But I honestly would rather not be invited at all, without any explanation, than to get this reminder of where I stand in society. Believe me, I know. I don’t need the expensive little printed announcement telling me. I get it already.

I wish my friends all the happiness in the world. I wish I could share those thoughts and feelings with them without the wall of crap that society has put between us. I honestly don’t think I’ll get over feeling this way. I don’t dwell on it, until I’m sent a reminder. I work hard and do my job. I love my photography. I stay as positive in life as I can. I’ve had to leave this issue behind so I can be happy.

Every action has a reaction. I suppose that is one way of looking at it. My reaction is revulsion of getting a wedding announcement in the mail. It’s that same feeling you get in the pit of your stomach after being told that you are being fired because your gay. There wasn’t a damn thing you could do about it then. Today, it’s the same thing with marriage. We are discriminated against emotionally, financially and socially, and we are supposed to be ok with that and “get over it”? It doesn’t work that way. Not for me. For me, marriage, something that was once thought to be a celebration of joy, has been turned into little more than a political football, which incidentally, fails 50% of the time.

Except in this football game, there are no winners. Just losers.

The “gay culture” hasn’t quite ended yet. There’s still marriage, and most of the states can still fire you for being gay. And as long as some of us are willing to “be patient” and let some queers (transgendered folks) continue to be discriminated against, yeah, we’ll still have a gay ghetto...

Being transgender is not the same as being lesbian or gay. This fact, coupled with the reality that a portion of the diverse transgender community identifies as heterosexual rather than queer, begs the question of why we should consider ourselves to be one community and postpone our rights to protect people who are not lesbian or gay. I believe that we are one community because the majority of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people have consciously come together to work as one community. The reality is that the larger society views all of us who deviate from the heterosexual norm where biological females partner with biological males as “queers.” Moreover, there is for each of us a relationship between our sexual orientation and the ways that we feel compelled to express ourselves and our gender identities.

So, while a sexual orientation only ENDA would prevent me from being fired (or not hired) because my partner is another woman, I could still be denied a job as a lawyer because I never wear make-up, always wear “mannish” business suits and am (apparently) a little butch. In San Francisco, maybe this is not such an issue—but what if I lived in Tallahassee?

At this stage in our history, anti-discrimination legislation that intentionally excludes protection based upon gender identity and expression is bad civil rights strategy that undermines progress on the ground and is not worth the moral compromise and divisiveness that it brings. (source)

For the same reason I can’t go to a wedding and put on a happy face, I also can not go along with discrimination against another segment of society that could be stopped with the Employment Non-Discrimination Act. If transgendered people are excluded from ENDA, I’ll have nothing to do with it. And the people in our community who say stupid things like “we need to take baby steps...”, need to realize that it’s real easy to forget those on the other side of the fence who don’t have those rights after we’ve been granted those rights (assuming ENDA passes this time around).

I will not take baby steps on this for the same reason I will no longer attend weddings. If transgendered people are excluded from ENDA, then ENDA should die. There is nothing to compromise here, except of course, our principles.